An Epic Tale…Now!

CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT!

This story was written quite sometime ago by two people in the early millennium. It was not written to offend anyone at all. The writers of this parody wouldn’t have even written this particular story if they didn’t love the original. Now I wanted to share it with all of you!!!

 

The characters in this story even though fictional, are not of our own idea. The plot in this fan fiction is based on the idea of the original author of this epic fictional tale.

 

 

 

 

The Whores

Of The Rings:

The Fellowship

Whores

 

 

by:

Meredyth Lynne

&

Kristina Shedd

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Introduction

 

 

Once upon a time in a far away land where the Elves dwelt and the Hobbits danced, there lived two princesses from Libido City. Meredyth Lynne and Kristina Shedd have been best friends ever since condoms were invented.

 

Chapter 1: Have Your Cake And Eat It Too

 

Frodo Baggins, Gandalf, and all of the Hobbits are celebrating Bilbo’s 111th birthday. There is a lot of food and a huge birthday cake. Frodo and his friend, Sam carry it over to the table.

 

Gandalf is shooting off his fireworks. Everybody loves his fireworks. Including Merry and Pippin.  They shoot off Gandalf’s biggest one and it lands in the cake. The cake blows up and goes everywhere.  Frodo notices a noise coming from the cake. It sounds like someone coughing.

 

“Holy shit, Merrie!  What the Hell was that?”

 

In the cake is Meredyth and Kristina.

 

“It sounded like a firecracker or something.” Meredyth tells her.

 

Meredyth sees Gandalf staring oddly at her. “Hey, Kristina, look it’s Merlin the Magician.”

 

“No it isn’t, his beard isn’t long enough.” She reminds her.

 

“Oh, yeah that’s right.” Meredyth remembers.

 

“Hello, ladies, the name is Gandalf and I am a wizard.” He tells them.

 

“Ladies? Where? I don’t see any ladies.” Kristina says.

 

“Actually, I prefer Mr. Wizard. I think that’s what I will call you from now on okay, Mr. Wizard.” Meredyth tells him.

 

Frodo tries to hide his chuckle from Gandalf.

 

Just then Meredyth spots Frodo.

 

“Damn. What a hottie you are.”

 

“Oh, this place is boring, Merrie, let’s go somewhere else.” Kristina suggests.

 

“Hell no, I like it here. The Shire’s pretty cool.”

 

“Okay fine, you stay here, I’m not going to. Have fun, Merrie.” Kristina says and disappears into thin air.

 

“So what’s your name?” She asks Frodo.

 

“Frodo Baggins.” He tells Meredyth.

 

“Are you single, Mr. Baggins?” She asks flirtatiously.

 

“Very much so.” He answers, flirting back.

 

“Cool, so am I.” Meredyth says to Frodo.

 

“Meredyth, would like to go for a walk with me?” He says flashing her a smile.

 

“Oh, Frodo, I’d love to.” She answers smiling back at him.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Gandalf wanders off to find some Hobbit fun. He finally catches up with Merry and Pippin.

 

“Couldn’t you boys wait until I came back? I could’ve shown you some real fireworks.” Gandalf smiles flirtatiously at them.

 

Merry and Pippin look at each other and run away scared out of their asses.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Meredyth and Frodo walk down the long dirt road. Frodo tells Meredyth about how sometimes he wishes he was somewhere other than The Shire.

 

“I have always imagined being off somewhere alone without any worries.”

 

“I understand how you feel, Frodo. I often feel that way myself.” She tells him.

 

“Maybe someday we could go on our own adventure together.” Frodo says.

 

“That sounds wonderful.” Meredyth says smiling at him.

 

Meredyth reaches over and kisses Frodo on the cheek. He looks at her and smiles. Then all of sudden he leaps on Meredyth and starts kissing her like crazy.

 

Back at the party. . .

 

Gandalf and Bilbo are talking when Sam interrupts them.

 

“Where did Frodo go?” Sam asks Gandalf.

 

“I think he went for a walk with Meredyth.” He tells him.

 

“Oh, okay.”

 

“Why don’t you go get them, Gandalf, I’m going to make an announcement soon.” Bilbo says.

 

“All right, I shouldn’t be long.”

 

“Can I join you, Sir?” Sam asks.

 

“Oh I suppose, but stay close I don’t want you to get lost.” Gandalf warns him.

 

They begin to walk into the forest.

 

“Boy, is it ever dark out here. How are we ever going to find them?” Sam wonders.

 

Gandalf is about to make his move when all of sudden they start to hear moaning in the distance.

 

“I think we may have found them, Sam.”

 

“Oh, my heavens.” Sam says trying to keep his mind out of the gutter.

 

“Frodo!” Gandalf calls out to him.

 

Frodo lifts his head from between Meredyth’s legs.

 

“Oh, shit it’s Gandalf. Hurry, Meredyth, put your pants back on.”

 

“Yeah good idea.” Meredyth agrees. “I’m sorry, Frodo, honey I must go and find Kristina.”

 

“When I will I be able to see you again?” He asks with a sigh.

 

“Meet me at Rivendell more than likely that’s where Kristina will be as well.”

 

“Okay, I’ll see you then.”  He tells her.

 

They kiss and she disappears right before his eyes.

 

Chapter 2: The Meeting

 

A few days later. Sam and Frodo are walking through a corn field. Sam can’t seem to find Frodo for some reason.

 

“Frodo. Frodo!!”

 

“Sam?” Frodo pops his head out.

 

“I didn’t want to lose you.” Sam says relieved.

 

“What are you talking about?” Frodo asks him.

 

“It’s just something Gandalf said.” Sam tells him. “Now don’t you lose him Samwise Gamgee.”

 

Then Meredyth reappears. “Hello, Baby.” She says looking at Frodo. Suddenly, two guys run into them. It’s Merry and Pippin. Sam falls back first onto Frodo. Merry lands on top of Meredyth.

 

“Whoa.” Merry says flustered. His carrots are in her face.

 

Pippin lands on Sam. “Hello.” He says flirtatiously. “Hey, Merry, look it’s Frodo.” He says getting up.

 

“Uh huh.” Merry says still gazing at Meredyth. He doesn’t bother getting up.

 

“Hey, Merry, get off my woman.” Frodo protests.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry, Frodo.” Merry apologizes jumping to his feet.

 

“Meredyth, I’d like you to meet Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took. Better known as Merry and Pippin.”

 

“Nice to meet you.” Meredyth says.

 

“I’m Sam.” Sam says. “I’m hungry.”

 

“What are doing here?” Frodo asks turning from Sam.

 

“I had to give you one more kiss before I left.” Meredyth tells him happily.

 

They kiss passionately.

 

“I have to go head back now. See you in Rivendell.” Meredyth tells him and disappears.

 

“Shit, Farmer Maggot.” Pippin announces. They all begin running out of the field.

 

They get to the end of the field and Pippin almost falls over. Merry follows close behind and grabs onto his arm seeing the edge. Then Frodo stops suddenly also seeing the edge. Sam doesn’t understand why they have stopped and his lard knocks all of them over.

 

They all fall on top of each other.

 

“Whoa, that was close.” Pippin remarks.

 

“I think I broke somethin’.” Merry says. He pulls a carrot out from under him. It’s broken in half.  “Oh.”

 

“Crossed by a Brandybuck and a Took.” Sam snaps at them.

 

“What? That was just a detour, a shortcut.” Merry says brushing himself off.

 

“A shortcut to what?” Sam asks in disbelief.

 

“Mushrooms!” Pippin screams with excitement.

 

Merry, Pippin and Sam run over and start picking the mushrooms.

 

Frodo looks up and down noticing that they are on the road.

 

“I think we should get off the road.” Frodo says looking back at the others. Frodo looks ahead and sees something weird coming towards him. “Get off the road.” He screams at them. “Quick!”

 

They all run behind the stump of a tree. Pippin, Sam and Merry are still fumbling through their mushrooms. All of the sudden they hear hooves.

 

The Wraith stops and dismounts. He looks over the Hobbits and sniffs. Then Merry and Sam watch a spider crawl down Merry’s arm. Worms and bugs are all over the ground by their feet.

 

Frodo reaches into his pocket and pulls out the One Ring preparing to put it on. Then Sam grabs his arm and stops him. Merry throws the mushrooms away to distract the Wraith.

 

The Wraith rides off. Then the Hobbits make a break for it. They run down the hill.

 

Merry trips and lands on his back. “What was that?” He asks Frodo.

 

Frodo doesn’t answer. He opens his hand and notices the One Ring.

 

“Come on.” Frodo announces. They all follow him.

 

Then they all stop. “What’s going on?” Pippin asks impatiently.

 

“That Dark Rider was looking for somethin’.” Merry says. He stands behind Frodo. “Frodo?” He challenges him.

 

Just then they see the Wraith at the top of the hill. They all duck down.

 

“We need to get out of the Shire.” Frodo says to Merry.

 

Frodo looks over the edge of a mountain. He notices the Ring Wraiths riding up. They all draw their swords and rush to the top of the mountain.

 

The first Ring Wraith enters and Frodo prepares his sword. Meredyth appears and stands behind of Frodo to hide from the Wraith.  Then more Wraiths follow.  The others turn around and prepare their swords.

 

Meredyth quickly jumps in front of Frodo. “No, Meredyth!” He yelps. One of the Wraiths pushes Meredyth out of the way. “Meredyth!” He screams.

 

Then Merry and Pippin leap out of the way before the Wraith even touches them.

 

Merry runs over to Meredyth. She is conscious. Merry stokes her face and runs his lips over hers.

 

Pippin looks over at Merry who is still kissing Meredyth. “Merry!” He runs over and knocks him over.  “Frodo would kill you if he saw what you just did.”

 

“I wanted to make sure she was okay.” Merry lies through his teeth.

 

“Frodo.” Sam cries. Merry and Pip notice Frodo writhing in pain. They run over to him. He has been stabbed by a Wraith.

 

Meredyth opens her eyes and feels a chill go down her spine. She disappears not knowing Frodo is hurt.

 

Chapter 3: Hung Like A Horse AKA The Big Orgy At Rivendell

 

Kristina finds herself in a place where it seems like not too much is going on.  Suddenly she hears something coming towards her.  She runs behind a bush to hide from someone who may be an enemy.

 

She can hear a galloping horse.  Kristina’s mouth drops open when she sees a handsome man riding in on his horse.  Then not even a moment later rides in another man. . .an Elf on his horse.  A very smelly guy follows behind. . .a Dorf.

 

Kristina immediately jumps out from behind the bushes to greet them.

 

“Hello there I’m Kristina. Who are you?”

 

“I am Boromir. I am pleased to make you acquaintance, Kristina.” He says in a sexy, deep voice.

 

“I am Legolas. It is an honor to be within your presence.” He says romantically as he looks into her eyes and kisses her hand. “Are you free at the moment?”

 

“Yes I am?”  Kristina answers without thinking twice.

 

“Well, I was wondering if you like to see where I live.”  He tells her.

 

“Oh that sounds wonderful, Legolas.”

 

“Great. Shall we then?” He says as he takes her hand.

 

They walk up a huge flight of stairs to his house at the top of a large brick building. Kristina couldn’t believe how beautiful this elf’s house is. Legolas gives her the grand tour of his living room, kitchen and his bathroom. Now it’s time for him to show her his master bedroom. She pokes her head through the doorway. She has never seen such a big bed in all her life. Candles and incense burn all around the room.

 

Kristina leaps into his room and flops onto his king sized bed.

 

“Now this is what I call comfort.” Kristina says to Legolas.

 

“It doesn’t even start creaking when I use it vigorously. It is very durable.” He says and lays next to Kristina.

 

“Really, cool.” She says looking lustfully at him.

 

“I haven’t used it in a while. Would you like to try it out and see if it still works?”

 

“Sure.” She answers.

 

“I want you to know, I don’t mess around. I just go straight to my work.” Legolas tells Kristina.

 

“That’s fine with me.” She says staring at his mid section.

 

Legolas rips off all of Kristina’s clothes in a matter of seconds. She does the same. He quickly puts on the rubber and sticks it in her hole. The bed doesn’t do any creaking, but it really hits the wall forcefully.

 

“Oh, yeah, Baby! Oh, Yeah!” Legolas screams with each thrust.

 

Just then Boromir walks in.

 

“Jesus, are you guys fucking?” He asks.

 

“Would you care to join us?” Kristina asks.

 

Boromir doesn’t answer, he just pulls out his love monkey and slides it in her mouth.

 

Strider has been standing behind Boromir in the doorway.

 

“Boy, you guys really are fucking!” He exclaims.

 

Legolas just smiles at him and slaps Kristina’s ass. Strider rushes over, cock in hand.  Kristina grabs it and starts jerking it like a pro.

 

After a few minutes, Boromir says “Switch!” Legolas pulls out and takes his place in front of Kristina’s head. Strider moves behind her and slips it in, but Boromir shoves him away. “I don’t think so, Tiger. I get it now.” Strider pouts and sulks, so Kristina grabs his Long Sword and starts jerking again.

 

Just then Elrond walks in. “What the hell is going on in here! Get the fuck out of my Rivendell!”  The men pull their pants up and run away. Kristina also starts to dress, but Elrond grabs her arms.  “Not so fast, you little tramp! I’m going to teach you a lesson.” Elrond walks over to the closet.  “That freak Legolas keeps all sorts of things in here. Like these…” Elrond pulls out a pair of handcuffs and a whip. “I’m going to show you what happens to little whores like you.”

 

Elrond handcuffs Kristina to the bed posts. “No! Stop!” Kristina protests, but Elrond ignores her.

 

Elrond cracks the whip in the air. “You need to be disciplined.” He snarls.

 

“No, I’m sorry. I’ll do anything. Just don’t whip me!”  Kristina is crying now.

 

“You dumb whore, you have to do anything anyways. You’re handcuffed.” Elrond points out. He smiles evilly.

 

“No. I… I’m sorry. Please don’t hurt me.”

 

But Elrond does. He whips Kristina as hard as he can. She yelps and buries her face in the pillow.  Elrond giggles and whips her again. And again. And again…

 

After a few more whips, Elrond stops and grabs Kristina by the hair. He yanks her head off the pillow. “Have you learned your lesson yet?”

 

Kristina is still crying. She nods her head, and tries to pull away. Elrond yanks her head again. “Do you want me to stop?” He asks coldly.

 

She whimpers frantically. “Yes, please stop. Please let me go.”

 

Elrond giggles and yanks her hair again. “I might consider releasing you if you do me a favor.”

 

“Anything!” Kristina pleads.

 

Elrond unlocks the handcuffs. “Get on your knees.” He commands.

 

Kristina drops to her knees, relieved to be free of the cuffs.

 

Elrond giggles again and slaps her. He drops his pants. “Now suck my dick, you little bitch.”

 

Elrond grabs her hair again and pulls her head back. He jams the Big Staff of Rivendell down her throat. Kristina gags and tries to pull away, but he yanks her hair and pulls her closer. He pounds into her face viciously. Kristina takes it in and tries her best to please him, so he’ll let her go.

 

After just a few seconds, Elrond starts giggling again and slaps her. He slaps her repeatedly in time to his urgent thrusts.

 

The door flies open and Legolas comes in. “Elrond! No!” Legolas grabs the whip and strikes Elrond with it. Elrond giggles and continues mouth-fucking Kristina. “Damn you, Elrond, you were supposed to save some for me!” Legolas is so pissed that he whips Elrond over and over.

 

Elrond is giggling maniacally and thrusting frantically. After just a few moments of this, he begins to scream. “I’m cumming! Yeah, baby. I’m cumming! Oh God!” Elrond pulls the Staff from Kristina’s mouth and shoots all over her face.

 

Legolas smiles and helps Kristina to her feet. “I probably should have warned you about him.” He tells her apologetically. “Elrond is a little weird, but he’s a good guy.”

 

Kristina throws herself into Legolas’ arms. “Don’t let him near me again!” She begs.

 

Elrond looks sheepish. “But you enjoyed it, didn’t you?”

 

“Even so, you were pretty scary.” Kristina sulks.

 

“Let me make it up to you.” Elrond suggests. He takes her hand and leads her to the bed. Legolas follows.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Frodo lays in Elrond’s bed wounded. Suddenly he awakens and sees Gandalf who is sitting next to him in a chair.

 

“I was afraid we were going to lose you there for a moment. You were very lucky, Frodo.”

 

Frodo looks away from Gandalf and recognizes Meredyth who is laying next to him.

 

“Uh, Gandalf, could you please leave while I have a talk with my woman for awhile.”

 

“I suppose, Frodo, but don’t forget I’m next.”

 

“Whatever.” Frodo says sarcastically.

 

Gandalf leaves in a huff.

 

“So, what have you been up to since I left?” Meredyth asks him.

 

“Well, I ran into some big, ugly dudes on horses. Then I got stabbed and almost died. How about you?” He says.

 

“Well not much, I’ve just been looking for Kristina and found out recently that she’s here. Legolas told me that Elrond forced her to give him a blow job.” She looks at Frodo and smiles passionately at him.

 

“So, Meredyth, do you wanna fuck?”  He asks.

 

“Well, let me see the last guy that I had sex with was terrible and he was only in it for his personal pleasure.” She tells him sadly.

 

“Is that a yes then?”

 

“Oh, Hell yeah. Frodo Baggins, you are going to get the best wall banging, skin slapping, ball bouncing sex you’ve ever had in your entire life, my little love muffin.”

 

“Well, actually, I’m still a virgin, but. . .okay!!!” He agrees.

 

Meredyth takes off all her clothes and lays down on her stomach. She turns to Frodo and gazes into his eyes. He pulls the covers off to reveal his nakedness. Then he inserts himself inside her. He begins thrusting slowly.

 

Meredyth’s head hangs over the edge of the bed.

 

“Mmm, mmm. Oh, my. . .” Meredyth just happens to look under the bed. “Oh, my there’s sex toys under here.”

 

“Oh, oh, oh. . .What!!!” Frodo says. “Hey, grab one.”

 

“Have you lost your mind?” Meredyth asks puzzled. “Okay, Frodo, that’s it get on your back. I’m going to show what a real woman is made of. You may want to grab onto the headboard for this.  You’re going for a bumpy ride.”

 

Frodo lays on his back and holds on for dear life. Meredyth slides his dick inside her and starts thrusting like there’s no tomorrow.

 

Just then Sam, Pippin and Merry walk in.

 

“Jesus, are you. . .”  Sam starts to say.

 

“Yes, it’s already been said. Please move on now.” Meredyth reminds him. Meredyth looks at Sam from head to toe. “Sam, I’m sorry you’ll have to leave. I’m sure you’re a nice guy, but there are no fat asses in my fantasies.”

 

Sam leaves wishing he wouldn’t of eaten all of those donuts earlier.

 

Pip grabs one of the vibrators and says “Hey, Merry, what is this?”

 

“I’m not sure, give it here.” Merry says.

 

Merry pushes the button on the top and it starts to vibrate.

 

“Hey it looks like your schlong.” Pip says.

 

“How nice of you to notice, Pip.” Merry says smiling at him.

 

“Okay, listen you guys. You can take the floor if you want, but the bed is ours.” Meredyth announces.  “Now, my attention is only focused on you, my dear, Frodo.”  She says.

 

Meredyth and Frodo start going at it again. Frodo showers her with kisses from head to toe. Meredyth runs her fingers through his thick, curly hair.

 

“Switch!” Meredyth announces again.

 

Meredyth figures he’s become experienced enough to try it on his own. She lays down on her stomach again and Frodo comes around behind her.

 

“Wait a minute, Frodo, no glove, no love.” He puts a rubber on and inserts himself. Frodo grabs her thighs and pulls her back and forth in a very fast motion.

 

“Oh, yeah. Oh Yeah. OH, HELL, YEAH!!!!!!!!!!” Frodo screams uncontrollably.

 

“Come on, Frodo. Faster, Baby!!” Meredyth says to him unable to catch her breath. “Cum for me, Frodo. Cum for me.”

 

“Oh, I am, Baby, I am. . .I am just for you. Oh, my heavens.”

 

Frodo pulls out. “Now it’s time for me to please you. Let me finish where I left off before you disappeared. I told you we would be able to go on our own adventure someday. Well, now is the time.”

 

Meanwhile,

 

Gandalf licks his lips and backs away from the window where he has been watching everything. “Damn, those Hobbit boys are fine!” He mutters.

 

“Where’s Meredyth?” Someone asks behind him.

 

Gandalf whirls around. There is a cute young man looking at him. Gandalf pops a boner.

 

“My, my, my. This is my lucky day.  And who are you?”  Gandalf asks gleefully.

 

“My name is Notinto.  I’m looking for my Hun, Meredyth.  Have you seen her?”  Notinto asks.

 

“Meredyth!”  Gandalf exclaims.

 

“Yes, Meredyth. Have you seen her?” Notinto repeats stupidly.

 

Notinto is Meredyth’s boyfriend. Gandalf realizes that if Notinto saw what Meredyth was up to, all hell would break loose and Notinto would be too distracted to…

 

“Have you seen her?” Notinto repeats again, sounding even more stupid.

 

“Well, uh, no. But, I would like to give you magic lessons. Would you like to learn how to cast a fireball?” Gandalf asks.

 

“Huh? Have you seen Meredyth?” Notinto asks yet again.

 

Gandalf just puts his arm around Notinto’s shoulders. “You see, I’m a magician. Come along now. I’ll take you to my room and teach you some magic.”

 

“Have you seen Meredyth?” Notinto asks again.

 

“God, he’s stupid, but he has a cute ass.” Gandalf thinks as he leads Notinto to his room.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Kristina staggers from Legolas’ room. “Here, let me help you.” Legolas helps her out. “Where are you going?”

 

“I’m looking for Meredyth. I figured that she would meet me here.” Kristina replies.

 

“Yes, I saw her go into Elrond’s room a short while ago. Frodo has been staying there.” Legolas says.

 

“Oh, shit. I hope Elrond doesn’t find her!” Kristina and Legolas rush to Elrond’s room and throw open the door.

 

“Jesus…” Legolas says, but Kristina interrupts.

 

“Jesus, Merry and Pip are fucking!” Kristina turns to Meredyth. “Hey Merrie, guess what! Legolas isn’t a natural blonde! — uh, Merrie, what are you doing?”

 

Meredyth is furious. “Get the hell out of here. Jesus, I’m fucking Frodo, for heaven’s sake!”

 

“Sorry, Merrie. Let me know when you’re finished. And, uh, Pippin, I think you’re hurting Merry.” Kristina backs out of the door, and bumps into Elrond.

 

Elrond walks into the middle of the room and looks around. “What the fuck! Has everyone gone mad?  Everywhere I go people are screwing each other!”

 

“You were screwing too.” Kristina reminds him.

 

“Yes, but this is my Rivendell. I can screw here anywhere I want, whomever I want!” Elrond roars.

 

Suddenly, there is a noise from outside the room. Everyone turns around and looks. Meredyth and Frodo stop fucking, but Merry and Pip don’t.

 

Gandalf struts up with a big ass smile. Following close behind him is Notinto. Elrond takes one look at them and screams “Not you guys, too!!” Gandalf whimpers and runs away.

 

Kristina and Legolas step into the doorway so Notinto can’t see inside. “Hey, Notinto. I see you got to know Gandalf.”  Kristina smirks.

 

“Have you seen my Hun?” Notinto asks dimly. “Where’s Meredyth?”

 

“Well, I spoke with Merrie a few days ago and she said something about going to hang out with the Orcs.” Kristina tells him. Legolas and Elrond start laughing.

 

“Have you seen Meredyth?” Notinto asks.

 

Kristina speaks to Notinto very slowly and carefully. “Meredyth go. Meredyth with Orcs. Orcs with Meredyth. Notinto go to Orcs.”

 

“Have you seen Meredyth?” Notinto asks again.

 

Legolas turns Notinto around so that he is facing the general direction of the Orcs’ lair. “Notinto go that way. Meredyth there. Notinto go to Orcs. Notinto go to Meredyth.”

 

Notinto begins walking in the direction that Legolas has told him.  He bumps into the wall, mutters something about “Hun” then recovers and keeps walking. Soon he is out of sight.

 

“Thanks, Kristina, I owe you one.” Meredyth tells her.

 

“Okay, then you can pay me back now.” Kristina says.

 

“Oh, no. You don’t mean. . .?” Meredyth asks sadly.

 

“Yep, switch.” Kristina announces.

 

“Will you at least let me say goodbye to Frodo.” Meredyth says looking back at her man in his birthday suit.

 

“Well, okay, Merrie. Go ahead.” Kristina replies.

 

Meredyth walks over to Frodo who is dripping with sweat from all that hot and steamy sex.

 

“Well, Frodo, I guess this is farewell for now.” Meredyth says to him trying hold back her tears.

 

“I will miss you, I will be thinking of you the whole time.” He tells her.

 

“I will do the same, every waking moment.” She can feel the tears running down her face. “Oh, Frodo.”  Meredyth cries out.

 

Frodo grabs her and holds her tightly in his arms. He wipes her tears away. “You will be in my dreams.”

 

Meredyth looks at Kristina. “Aren’t you going to say goodbye to Legolas?”

 

“Of course.” Kristina rolls her eyes and looks at Legolas. “Goodbye, Legolas.

 

“Goodbye.” He tells her.

 

Meredyth walks to the doorway and looks back at Frodo. “Goodbye, Frodo, my sweet.”

 

“Goodbye, Meredyth, my darling.” Frodo says to Meredyth.

 

Meredyth leaves the room and follows Legolas.

 

“Well, Mr. Baggins. Guess it’s just you and I. . .and your friends.” Kristina replies.

 

“Guess so.” Frodo say half-heartedly.

 

Kristina takes off her clothes again and lays next to him.

 

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Legolas and Meredyth enter his room. Legolas closes the door behind him.

 

Meredyth walks over to his bed and sits down. She rests her weary head in her hands.

 

“You miss Frodo, don’t you?” Legolas says. Meredyth just nods. “It’s okay if you don’t want to. I’m not going to force you.”

 

“Really?” Meredyth asks.

 

“I promise.” He tells her honestly.

 

“Do you want to have sex with me?” She says curiously.

 

“Yes I do, but I will respect your wishes.”

 

“No I will respect yours.” Meredyth exclaims as she takes off her clothes.

 

“Are you sure you want to?” He asks. “I can see in your eyes that you don’t.”

 

“You are right.” Meredyth says as she puts her clothes back on.

 

“Let’s just sit here and talk. We can talk about whatever you want to talk about.” Legolas tells her.

 

“Is it okay if we talk about Frodo?” She asks him.

 

“Of course it is, Meredyth.” He replies.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Back in Elrond’s room, Kristina smiles at Frodo. “You miss her, don’t you?” She asks, her hand creeping up his thigh.

 

“Yes, I miss her so much.” Frodo replies, wiping away a tear.

 

Kristina smiles bigger and closes her hand around Frodo’s cock. She leans forward and kisses him. “It’s OK. You can see her again when we’re finished here.”

 

Elrond sits down on the bed and lights his pipe. “Mmm, the best weed in the world. Say, will you two stop all this emotional shit and start fucking already?”

 

Frodo looks down shyly. Kristina winks at Elrond and pounces onto Frodo. She starts kissing him, and then licks her way down his beautiful body. Frodo starts moaning and panting. Kristina nibbles at his inner thighs, until he begs her to suck his hard throbbing Shaft. She licks his hairy ball sac and bobs her head up and down on his pole.

 

Elrond leans back and smiles. “Come on, cut the bullshit and ride him already.”

 

Kristina smiles and stands up. “Nah, I don’t think I will. I don’t really want to have to train a rookie.”

 

“But… You can’t just leave me like this! Please, don’t do this to me! I beg you! Take me, please!”  Frodo starts to whine.

 

Kristina just giggles and asks Elrond to pass the pipe. They sit back together and watch as Frodo scrambles to put his clothes on. He starts to get off the bed, but Kristina stops him. “Hey, be quiet.  You’re going to disturb Merry and Pip.”

 

“Oh…” Frodo notices that the two Hobbits are still going at it like wolverines. “What… How… Oh, heavens!”

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

“Well, I guess we could do a little foreplay.” Meredyth tells Legolas.

 

“Okay, sounds great.” Legolas grins from ear to ear.

 

Meredyth takes off Legolas’ shirt and starts kissing his chest. She looks up at him and frowns.

 

“Man, I wish you were Frodo.”

 

“I know, but continue I am enjoying this way too much to ask you if you’d like to stop.” Legolas admits. “If you want I can pretend I’m Frodo. I’ve been told that I can do a pretty good impression of a Hobbit.”

 

“Prove it.” Meredyth says.

 

(In Frodo’s voice) “I used to be a virgin, but I recently did it with a very hot chick. Now I’m not one anymore.” Legolas says trying to hold back his laughter.

 

“Very funny. Just for that you are going to get a beating.” Meredyth says.

 

“Alright.” Legolas celebrates.

 

Meredyth grabs the whip from under his bed and hits him across the face with it. Legolas looks at her with fright. He notices that she has an evil look in her eye. Just then Meredyth rips off Legolas’ pants and throws them across the room.

 

Meredyth stares at Legolas coldly. She begins to move her face down to his organ. She licks it from back to front. Then she circumcises him.

 

“AHH!!!!!!!!!! OH, GOD!!!!!. HELP ME, PLEASE. . .HOLY SHIT THAT HURTS LIKE A MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!” Legolas is now crying.

 

“That’s what you get for insulting my man you nasty male whore.” Meredyth says and storms out of the room.

 

Meanwhile at the Orcs. . .

 

The head Orc is Newborn Lurtz, but all of his close friends call him Julius. All the Orcs have gathered around a dirty, smelly figure. Julius pushes his way past them to see what all the commotion is about.  The ripe pungent smell of manflesh is overwhelming. Julius kneels down beside the figure and licks its face.

 

The figure immediately drops its trousers and gets on its hands and knees. “Where’s Meredyth?” It asks.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Elrond and Kristina are still smoking as well as watching Merry and Pip enjoying themselves.  Suddenly the door flies open. Arwen storms in. Kristina looks at her and asks, “Hey man. What’s happenin’ man?”

 

Arwen glares at her, then turns to Elrond. “Daddy, I just found out that Strider was fooling around on me! With that hussy right there!” She starts to cry.

 

Kristina smiles innocently. “It was no big deal, really. It just sort of happened.”

 

“Daddy, that tramp was with my Snookie” Arwen pouts.

 

Elrond grins. “Yeah, I know. Don’t worry, honey, I already punished her for it.”

 

“But Daddy, she HAD SEX with him!”

 

Kristina rolls her eyes. “Yeah, and so? I HAD SEX with your “Daddy” too.”

 

“What!?” Arwen gasps.

 

“Honey, just leave us be. Can’t you see that you’re disturbing Merry and Pip with your nonsense?”  Elrond says.

 

Arwen turns and runs off, still crying.

 

Elrond looks down at the Hobbits. “Why are they taking so long? Frodo, reach under my bed and get the bright red vibrator.”

 

Frodo reaches down and pulls it out. “This one? It’s kind of large.”

 

Elrond takes the vibrator and strokes it lovingly.

 

“Why do you have that under your bed?” Kristina asks.

 

Elrond just shrugs.

 

“Hey, what’s this?” Frodo asks, still peering under Elrond’s bed. “Boy, you have a lot of sex toys down here.”

 

Elrond giggles. Kristina leans over. “Hey, I wanna see!” She pulls out an armload of toys.  “So, which is your favorite, Elrond? Huh? What is this one for? I’ve never seen anything like it.”

 

Elrond giggles some more and turns the red vibrator on. Then he kneels down beside the Hobbits.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Meredyth runs down the hall to Elrond’s room while the phrase “Legolas is a sick fucker” is going through her mind.

 

She finally makes it to the door, but it’s locked. “Damnitt” Meredyth screams. “What the Hell’s going on in there?!?!?!” She uses all her strength and breaks down the door.

 

“What the fuck?” Meredyth says looking around the room.

 

She looks at Kristina who’s still smokin’. “Hey, Merrie. What’s happenin’, Merrie?” Kristina’s asks her in a very “high” voice.

 

“Oh, my. . .” Meredyth sees Frodo who is still looking under Elrond’s bed.

 

Meredyth walks over to Frodo and spanks him. “Hey!!!” He says looking up and realizing who it is.  “Meredyth!”

 

“Oh, Frodo, honey, I missed you so.” She embraces him and kisses him gently on the cheek.

 

“Meredyth you didn’t, did you?” He asks.

 

“No, did you?” Meredyth says curiously.

 

“Nope.” He says smiling.

 

“Oh, that’s wonderful.”

 

“So, do you want to have sex?” Frodo asks her.

 

“Duh. You’re too fine of a Hobbit to resist.” She smiles gleefully.

 

“Jesus, are we ever going to be fucking.” Frodo says getting all excited.

 

Everyone stops suddenly as Legolas runs down the hall butt naked and screaming his ass off.

 

“Meredyth? What happened to Legolas?” Kristina asks.

 

“Well um, uh. . .nothing.”

 

“Merrie?!” She says in a more stern tone of voice.

 

“Well, I suppose you could say that I ripped him of his manhood. . .so to speak.”

 

“What!!!” She says frantically.

 

“I circumcised him with my teeth.”

 

“Holy, shit, Merrie, why don’t you just neuter him too.” Kristina says sarcastically.

 

“It may feel even better now.”

 

“Not if he’s bleeding everywhere.”

 

Legolas comes in. “Does anyone have a band-aide?” He says with tears pouring down his face.

 

“Not big enough for that cut.” Elrond says as he looks up from his fun time on the floor. “I can suck it dry for you, if you want me to.”

 

There is a long silence. “Sure. Okay, join me in my room, Elrond, and you can help my pain go away.”

 

“Hey, what about us?” Merry asks Elrond.

 

“Yeah, we still haven’t gotten our supper yet.” Pip reminds him.

 

“I’ll be back, my lovely Hobbits.” He tells them with a twinkle in his eye.

 

Elrond bats his lashes at them, giggles and then leaves.

 

Kristina makes it out of the room safely. She decides it’s time for some food. She walks down to the kitchen and notices Sam sitting there sobbing. He is drowning his sorrows in a root beer float.  Kristina walks over to comfort him.

 

“Are you okay, Sam?” Kristina asks with a worried look on her face.

 

“Can you keep a secret?”

 

“Sure I can.” Kristina says sympathetically, trying hard to keep a straight face. She has a feeling that it’s gonna be real juicy.

 

“Okay. I’m sure I can trust you. I am in love with Meredyth.”

 

“Whoa.” Kristina’s mouth drops to the floor.

 

“Please don’t tell her unless her and Frodo break it off.”

 

“You have my word.”

 

Kristina runs off to find Meredyth. On her way as she runs up the stairs, she bumps into a tall figure.  It’s too dark for her to see. So she can’t recognize who it is. She wonders for a moment if it is poor Legolas.

 

“Hello, Kristina, please be careful where you are going.” The deep voice says.

 

Kristina knows immediately who it is.

 

“Kristina it’s me, Boromir.”

 

“I knew it was you.” She flirts.

 

“I think it’s time for me to show you my room now.”

 

“Cool.” Kristina says as she jumps for joy.

 

“Let’s make a stop by Legolas’ room real quick and pick up a few items.” He mentions.

 

“Okay.”

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

“I will do anything you wish if you will please tell me where Meredyth is.” Notinto pleads.

 

Julius stands up. “You must give us all blow jobs.”

 

“Okay, I suppose. It’s not like I don’t know how.”

 

“Great!  Get on your knees, you little peasant boy.” Julius commands.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Kristina and Boromir enter Legolas’ room. Legolas is clad in black leather, with a black mask over his face. Elrond is giggling and licking blood off of his lips. Elrond is wearing only a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and nipple clamps.

 

Kristina grins and sits on the bed. She lights up. Boromir looks shocked, but he sits next to her and asks her to pass the pipe.

 

Legolas looks over at them. “Would you like to join us?” He asks sweetly. Elrond giggles and walks over to the closet. He pulls out a power tool that looks like a drill. Actually, it’s a piercing tool.  Legolas braces himself against the wall and closes his eyes.

 

Elrond stops him. “No, you imbecile, it’s for me!” Elrond jerks Legolas around and shoves the tool into his hand.  “Do me.”

 

“Good heavens, man, are you insane?” Boromir grabs the tool from Legolas. “You two are real sick bastards. What’s wrong with you?”

 

“Damn.” Kristina says in disappointment.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Frodo looks at Meredyth’s naked body and starts to sweat.

 

“Let’s do some foreplay, Frodo, my sweet.”

 

“Oh, that sounds great.” Frodo tells her as he jerks himself.

 

“Hey, you that’s my job.” She says.

 

“Oops, sorry.”

 

Meredyth reaches under the bed and grabs a porno.

 

“Let’s watch this to really make us crazy.” She says as she puts the tape in the VCR.

 

As they begin to watch it, they see Elrond making his debut as Yoda.

 

“May the force be with you.” He screams as cum shoots from his hard sausage. His many moments of giggling follow. The unfortunate female with him is Galadriel who is playing Princess Laya.

 

Meredyth and Frodo say in unison, “Oh. . .my. . .God!”

 

Meredyth looks at the video. The title reads “Wild And Crazy Fantasies Of Yoda.”

 

“Are there any tapes under there that aren’t part of Elrond’s home video collection?” Frodo asks Meredyth.

 

“Let me check.” Meredyth looks under the bed again and sees many more videos. She reads them off to Frodo one by one. “Elrond as Chewbaca. Elrond as Chewbaca: The Later Years. Elrond as The Godfather and Co Starring Al Pacino. Elrond as Luke Skywalker Co Starring Gandalf as Darth Vader.”

 

“Hey, let’s watch that one.” Frodo says.

 

“Hell no.” Meredyth refuses. “Oh, there’s one more. Elrond as Kemit the Frog Co Starring Bilbo as Miss. Piggy.

 

Just then Elrond walks in. “So, what did you think? Don’t I make an excellent Yoda?” He giggles.

 

They are both speechless.

 

Meredyth and Frodo ignore Elrond’s remarks and just continue to go at it again.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Boromir takes Kristina’s hand and leads her to his room. Kristina looks into his room from the hallway.

 

“Wow. And I thought Legolas’ bed was big, but yours is enormous.” She replies.

 

“It’s a triple king sized one. I got it when I worked for Hugh Heffner. It’s his very first bed which means he used it a lot. So, he passed it down to me.”

 

“Now there’s a pick up line if I’ve ever heard one.”

 

“No really it’s true.” Boromir tells her honestly.

 

“Okay then.” Kristina says as she does a cartwheel onto the bed.

 

“What a physical woman you are, Kristina.” Boromir says as he whips his meat out.

 

Boromir wastes no time, he slides his Italian pork into her oven. He begins to thrust himself in and out of her vigorously. Kristina can’t control herself. Her moaning and heavy breathing grow more with each thrust of Boromir’s masculine body.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

“I’m sorry, honey, I must take a break.” Frodo says, finding it hard to catch his breath. “Besides that I am also very hungry.”

 

“That’s fine, Frodo, I’ll be here when you get back. When you get back I’ll give you dessert.”  Meredyth tells him.

 

“Alright.” He says excitedly. Frodo waves to Pip and Merry who are still on the floor. They wave back to him. Then Frodo is out of sight.

 

Frodo walks down the stairs to the kitchen to grab a sandwich. Sam is still there. He’s on his 5th root beer float.

 

“What’s wrong, Sam?” Frodo asks putting his arm around him.

 

“I can’t tell you, Frodo.” He says sadly.

 

“Oh, come on, Sam, you can trust me.”

 

“I know I can, but I just can’t tell you this okay. Please understand, Frodo.”

 

“Okay, I won’t ever bring it up again.” Frodo says as he pats Sam on the back. “I had no idea that losing your virginity would be so exhausting, but it’s wonderful at the same time. Meredyth is so great.  I think I’m starting to fall in love with her.”

 

“Me too.” Sam says under his breath.

 

“What’d you say, Sam?” Frodo asks him.

 

“I uh. . .I said that’s good she seems like a nice person.”

 

“Oh, she is.” Frodo says in a dreamy tone. Frodo looks down and notices he’s ready to go back up to Elrond’s room again.

 

“Oh, I’m horny again. I’ll see you later, Sam.” Frodo says and runs back upstairs.

 

“Bye, Frodo.” Sam says as his head falls onto the table and he begins to cry.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Kristina giggles and looks down at Boromir, who is gasping for breath. “My god, woman, you are a horny wench.”

 

Chritina giggles again. Boromir frowns, puzzled. “You know, that giggling is disturbing.  It sounds oddly familiar. Have you been…”

 

“Time for more!” Kristina interrupts him. She dives onto him again. They proceed to have hot, sweaty weasel sex.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Merry and Pippin are still fucking.

 

Meredyth smiles as Frodo comes back into Elrond’s room. He walks to the bed, a big bulge in the front of his pants.

 

“Hey, Meredyth darling, look what I found!” Frodo reaches into his pants and pulls out a huge cucumber.

 

“Put that damn thing down!!” Meredyth roars. Frodo drops the cucumber onto the floor. Pippin immediately snatches it.

 

Meredyth grabs Frodo and hauls him onto the bed. “Come on, you fine piece of man, you. I’m gonna nail your brains out.” Frodo takes off his clothes and kisses Meredyth passionately.

 

Meredyth impatiently wraps her legs around him. “Come on, already.” Frodo smiles and inserts himself.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Gandalf opens the door to Boromir’s room and comes in without knocking. Boromir covers Kristina with a blanket, then looks at Gandalf and covers himself with the blanket, too.

 

“Why are you disturbing us?” He asks in that deep, sexy voice.

 

“I’m looking for the young boy. Do you know where he’s at?” Gandalf asks hopefully.

 

“Yeah, he went to chill with the Orcs.” Kristina tells him helpfully.

 

“The Orcs? But why? The Orcs’ lair is no place for a delectable young bit of tail like him.” Gandalf is shocked.

 

“Yeah, well, he wanted to go. We tried to stop him, but he just wouldn’t listen.” Kristina shrugs and turns her attention back to Boromir. “Hey, baby, wanna wrestle?” She asks, giggling and stroking Boromir naughtily.

 

“Wrestle? Sure. But Gandalf, get the hell out of here.” Boromir starts to purr.

 

Gandalf blushes when he sees what Kristina is doing to Boromir. He turns and reluctantly walks out, leaving the door wide open.

 

Kristina bounces onto her back and runs her fingers through Boromir’s hair. He kisses her and pierces her with his mighty spear. She screams as the big bloke rams her repeatedly.

 

“Yeah, that’s it baby. Come on, harder. Pound that motherfucker!” Boromir freezes when he hears Kristina cuss.

 

“My dear lady, you mustn’t talk that way. It’s not proper.” He scolds her.

 

“Whatever. Just shut up and fuck me!” Kristina says.

 

Boromir starts to drill with his massive man root again.

 

Kristina giggles and starts to spank Boromir’s tight ass. He moans and pumps harder. “Whee!”  Kristina exclaims.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Elrond strides into the kitchen. He approaches Sam and grabs the banana split that he is snarfing down.  “Damn it, I had that saved for something special.” He snarls.

 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Elrond.  I’m just so hungry…” Sam apologizes.

 

“Then why don’t you have something nutritious.” Elrond suggests, opening the refrigerator and looking inside. “Here’s some corn on the cob- wait, never mind.” Elrond picks up the corn and tosses the banana split back to Sam. Clutching the corn tightly, he giggles and runs to his bedroom.

 

Elrond throws open the door and tosses a cob of corn to Frodo, who is still reaming Meredyth on the bed. Frodo catches it and looks at it in confusion. “Elrond? What is this for?” He asks.

 

Elrond grips another cob of corn and leans over Merry and Pippin. “What do you think it’s for, you numskull?”

 

Elrond giggles as Merry screams at the top of his lungs. “Aaagh! It hurts! What the Hell is that?”

 

Elrond giggles. “It’s corn on the cob, you fool. What does it feel like?”

 

Frodo nods thoughtfully. “I see now. Hey, Meredyth, do you like corn?”

 

Meredyth screeches and jumps up. She grabs her clothes and storms off to the door. “I am SO fucking sick of this. Goddamnitt, Frodo, if you want to fuck, you find a place where we can have some fucking privacy!” Meredyth leaves and slams the door behind her.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Boromir collapses on the bed. “Oh, God, that was unbelievable.” He sighs and stretches, then turns and takes Kristina into his arms. “Kristina, darling, I think I’m falling in lo…”

 

“Bye, baby. See ya later.” Kristina jumps up, pulls on a robe, and goes off in search of more action.

 

Kristina wanders around Rivendell, hoping to run into Strider or maybe Legolas again. As she leaps up a flight of stairs, suddenly a small figure pops up in front of her.

 

“Aaagh!” Bilbo screams.

 

Kristina glances at him. “What the Hell is your problem?” She says, then continues bounding up the stairs. She turns the corner and runs headlong into Strider.

 

“Hey, sweetie. You’re really hot, you know?” Kristina is all over Strider like a cheap suit. They drop to the ground and Kristina spreads her legs wide. “Booya!” She gloats as Strider shoves his magnificent stalk of love inside.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Meredyth is pissed. She stomps around and tries to think of where Kristina is, so they can get the Hell out of here. “Hmm, if I were Kristina, where would I be lurking?”

 

Meredyth starts to head towards Legolas’ room. At the top of the stairs, she trips over Strider and Kristina, who are entwined together.

 

“Nooo!” Meredyth screams as she falls down the stairs. Kristina turns her head to watch as Meredyth tumbles down. “Damn, I hope she’s still alive. Oh well. Come on, baby, don’t stop now!”

 

Meredyth slowly pulls herself up. “Damn that hurt.” Meredyth looks up at Kristina and Strider who don’t bother stopping. “I’m okay, please don’t let me stop you.”

 

Meredyth walks up the stairs and carefully steps over the happy couple. She peeks into Legolas’ room.  Legolas is sleeping underneath the covers with an odd smile across his face. Along side of him is a stuffed teddy bear. It was a gift from Elrond.

 

Meredyth quietly walks over to him and gently awakens Legolas. His eyes open and a frightened look forms on his face. “I want to apologize for earlier. I didn’t mean to cause you that much pain.”

 

“That’s okay, I’ve been meaning to get that done anyway.” Legolas explains.

 

“Can I ask you an odd question?” Meredyth says curiously.

 

“Sure.” Legolas smiles.

 

“You don’t have any weird fetishes with corn do you?”

 

“Uh, not that I know of.” Legolas replies.

 

“Thank, God.” Meredyth says relieved.

 

“Why do you ask?” Legolas wonders.

 

“It’s not important.” Meredyth says changing the subject. “So, I’d like to make it up to you.”

 

“Ooh.” Legolas says getting very excited.

 

Meredyth takes off all of her clothes and gets under the covers with Legolas. Legolas moves closer and wraps his strong arms around her. He kisses her on the mouth passionately.

 

Then Legolas ventures on down her sexy body with his tongue. Meredyth puts her hands on Legolas’ soft skin. Legolas moves back up to her face again. She massages Legolas’ outer thighs and grabs on to his thick, juicy sperm cannon. Meredyth jerks Legolas for a few moments.

 

Legolas can’t wait any longer, he gets on top of her and inserts himself. “I’m gonna make you scream.”  He says as he begins to thrust. Meredyth holds onto Legolas as she starts to moan frantically.

 

Then Elrond walks in. “Would either of you like to try some corn?”

 

“Elrond, would give us some privacy please?” Legolas says to him.

 

“But, it’s very good for you.” Elrond tells them.

 

“Goddamnitt, you sick bastard, leave us alone.” Meredyth shouts.

 

Elrond giggles and leaves.

 

“Anyway, my darling, where were we?” Legolas looks deep into her eyes.

 

Legolas thrusts some more and feels he’s getting ready to shoot. He pulls out, lays down next to Meredyth and cums all over his teddy bear. Legolas looks on the floor for something to wipe off with.  He sees Meredyth’s shirt and uses it.

 

Legolas gets on top of Meredyth again and kisses his way down to her labyrinth of love. He massages her thighs with his soft, lipless mouth. He glides his tongue up and down her lips. As Meredyth moans, Legolas rubs her legs slowly and gently.

 

Legolas flicks his throbbing tongue a few more times until Meredyth screams out his name as she cums. Legolas licks all her juice between her legs.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Strider collapses on top of Kristina with a final groan. He kisses her gently, then jumps when he feels someone pat him on the back.

 

“Good job.” Elrond tells him admiringly. “I’m impressed. I didn’t think you had it in you.”

 

“How long have you been watching us?” Strider asks, putting on his clothes.

 

“Long enough.” Elrond giggles. “Say, do you like corn?”

 

“Not really.” Strider backs away. “Come on, Kristina. Let’s go back to my room.”

 

“Oh, I don’t think so. You won’t be going too far. You know, I really should tell my daughter about what you’ve been up to.” Elrond says nastily.

 

“Oh, God, not that whiny bitch.” Kristina rolls her eyes.

 

Elrond leers at her. “Would you like to be my daughter?” He giggles.

 

“Dude, you want me to be your little girl!?” Kristina is intrigued by the idea. She giggles.

 

“God, you really are a sick bastard!” Strider says, walking off.

 

Kristina smiles at Elrond and bats her eyes. “You’re really hot, you know?” She says.

 

Elrond smiles proudly. “I know. I look just like my momma. Damn, she was a ravishing woman… So exquisite…” Elrond gets a dreamy look in his eyes. “We were very close, you know.” He giggles.

 

Kristina thinks to herself: “Shit, he is really one sick bastard.” She pretends to yawn.  “Golly, Elrond, I’m tired. I think I’ll just go to sleep now.”

 

“Sleep? But you said you would be my daughter!” Elrond protests.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m just so tired. Maybe tomorrow.” Kristina turns and starts to run away.

 

Elrond grabs her arm and swings her around. “No! You are my daughter! You will do what I say!”  He gropes her. “Be a good little girl.”

 

Kristina panics.  “You know, I think Gandalf said he was looking for you.  Something about casting a fireball.”  She tells him.

 

“Oh really? That’s great. I bet Gandalf can teach you a few spells too. Come on.” Elrond starts to drag Kristina to Gandalf’s room.

 

Suddenly a small form pops out. “Aaagh!” Bilbo screams.

 

Elrond sighs and rolls his eyes. “It’s not time yet, you imbecile.” He tells Bilbo. “What must I do to make you learn to wait your turn?”

 

Elrond grabs Bilbo by the hair and drags him back towards Gandalf’s room. Kristina darts off into the night.

 

Meanwhile…

 

In Elrond’s room, Frodo is just looking at the ear of corn.  He soon tires of the thought and throws it over to Merry and Pippin. They grab it like wild dogs fighting over a t-bone steak. After a few minutes of making love to the corn, Merry and Pip stop suddenly and look at each other, just as the door flies open. Kristina enters the room.

 

She drops down next to Merry and Pippin. “You guys look tired.” She observes.

 

“We’re not too tired.” Pippin says flirtatiously. He tosses the corn to her.

 

Kristina throws the corn towards the bed. It hits Frodo in the face. “Ouch!” He squeals.

 

“I’m sorry.” Kristina says. She grabs Frodo’s arm and pulls him onto the floor.

 

Merry and Pippin rip Kristina’s clothes off. “Hey, that was my only outfit!” Kristina says.

 

The three Hobbits all smile as Kristina goes to work. She lets Frodo slip his wiener into her, then slurps Pippin into her mouth. She manhandles Merry’s pipe.

 

The door bursts open. “Hey, guys. What’s going on?” Sam asks.

 

Pippin smiles at him. “Come over here, Samwise.”

 

Sam comes over and Pippin kisses him. Kristina looks up. She looks at Sam from head to toe. She reaches out and touches the back of his hand. “There, I did Sam.”

 

After a few hours, the four Hobbits and Kristina all cum at once. Kristina kisses Frodo on the cheek and leaves. Merry and Pippin look at each other.

 

“You know, Merry, just because we just had about 5 hours of great sex doesn’t mean that I want to be more than friends.” Pip tells him.

 

“I know, I feel the same. Would you like to join me in the kitchen for some delicious grub?”  Merry asks Pip.

 

“Sure, that sounds marvelous, old buddy.” They leave and walk arm in arm down the stairs.

 

Meredyth staggers into Elrond’s room and gets into bed with Frodo. They both fall asleep in each others arms.

 

Night falls.

 

The next morning…

 

Kristina yawns and stretches. She had been sleeping in a tree, hiding from Elrond and his corn.  “Damn, it must be late.” She thinks. She wanders down to the courtyard, where everyone is gathered around.

 

Elrond stands in the center, looking very regal and serious.

 

“Cool, so you’re like the head honcho here.” Kristina says, walking up to him. “Do you have any Diet Coke?”

 

Elrond smiles at her. “Yes, I’ll go get it for you.” He rushes to the kitchen.

 

Kristina sits down next to Legolas and whispers “What’s going on? Why is everyone glaring at me?”

 

“You see, we were talking about the Ring of Power and the end of the world and all that.” Legolas explains. “And then Elrond just dropped everything to get you a Diet Coke. I think he likes you.”

 

“Oh, I see. So where is this Ring of Power at? I wanna see.”

 

“I don’t know. Hey, everyone, where’s the Ring at?” Legolas looks concerned.

 

Frodo smiles. “Don’t worry. I put it in a safe place yesterday.” He looks at Meredyth, who is sitting in his lap. “Darling, I believe you have it.”

 

“What? I don’t have it. What are you talking about?” Meredyth is confused.

 

“It’s a gold ring. I stored it in your you-know-what.” Frodo explains.

 

Legolas blushes and Kristina grabs his hand and holds it up. The ring is on his finger. “Hey, is this it?”  She asks brightly. “Hey, how’d you get a hold of that ‘buried treasure’, huh, Legolas?”

 

Frodo stands up, dropping Meredyth to the ground. “Meredyth! How in heaven’s name did that ELF get the ring?”

 

Meredyth sputters and stutters. Kristina giggles gleefully. “Way to go, Merrie! What did I tell you!  Legolas is one fine machine, isn’t he?” Kristina stands up and starts clapping.

 

Legolas has turned beet red. “Um, it’s not like that at all. I f-found the Ring. In the bathroom, yeah.”

 

Kristina snickers. “Yes, of course you did. How silly of me. I’m sorry, Merrie.” Kristina drops to the ground and starts rolling around laughing her ass off.

 

“Okay. I understand.” Frodo smiles and helps Meredyth to her feet. As Meredyth gets up she kicks Kristina viciously in the side.

 

Just then Elrond returns with a can of Diet Coke.  He smiles when he sees Meredyth kicking Kristina.  “Hey, you know it’s rude to start without me.”  He starts to unbutton his shirt.

 

Kristina scrambles up and grabs the cola. “Not right now, Daddy.” She leans over and whispers in his ear. Elrond giggles and shivers.

 

“Ahem! Let’s get back to the meeting.” Gandalf says.

 

Elrond sees that Legolas is still holding the ring. He giggles. “Legolas, I see you kept a memento.”

 

Legolas blushes. “I don’t know what you mean.”

 

Elrond giggles and pulls a video tape out of his pocket. “One of your finest performances. It even rivals the Jar Jar Binks thing you did a few weeks ago.”

 

Meredyth jumps up and tries to grab the tape, but she’s not quick enough. Elrond giggles and puts the tape back in his pocket. “Don’t worry, young lady. I intend to save it for when I and Frodo can have a private screening.”

 

Kristina whispers something in Elrond’s ear again. He giggles. “Yes, you are right. It would be a better idea to show the tape now.”

 

Elrond pops the tape in the player. “I think I’ll call this one ‘The Quest for the Ring’.” He and Kristina are both giggling.

 

On the screen appears a closeup of Legolas’ heaving tight ass. Elrond cranks up the volume, and every one hears Meredyth moaning like a porn star. Frodo runs off crying. Meredyth runs after him, saying “It’s not what it looks like. Really, darling. This is just a big misunderstanding!”

 

Kristina giggles and turns the tape off. Elrond squeals and turns it back on. Legolas smiles proudly, and Boromir says to Strider, “See, I told you that wussy-boy bleaches his hair.”

 

When the tape is over, everyone stands up and applauds Legolas. Legolas smiles and takes a bow.  Elrond giggles. “I taught him everything he knows!” He announces.

 

Elrond smiles shyly and pulls Kristina aside. “I have something for you.” He tells her.

 

“Not now! We’re in the middle of an important meeting!” Kristina braces herself.

 

Elrond giggles and looks down shyly. “Not that. I have something else. I know that you are going to go away soon, and that I won’t see you for a long time. I want you to remember me, so I thought I’d give you this. It’s my favorite one.” Elrond hands her a box covered in red satin.

 

“For me! You shouldn’t have.” Kristina greedily opens the box, then stares down in shock.

 

“Do you like it? Do you like it, it’s my favorite one. Sometimes I pretend it’s an Ewok.” Elrond giggles.

 

Nestled in the luxurious box is a 13 inch vibrator, completely covered in brown fur.

 

“Oh… You shouldn’t have.” Kristina repeats. She quickly closes the box. “It-it’s just lovely, Elrond.  This is the nicest gift anyone’s ever given me.” Kristina gives Elrond a big hug.  Elrond gazes into her eyes and giggles. Then he leans down and gives her a sweet, timid kiss.

 

Everyone gasps. Legolas can’t believe it. “Jesus, is Elrond kissing someone?” He asks.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Meredyth tries to catch up to Frodo. “Frodo, honey, please stop.” She screams at the top of her lungs.”

 

“Why don’t you just go back to Legolas?”

 

“Because I don’t care about Legolas.”

 

Frodo stops suddenly. “Oh, yeah?”

 

“It’s you I care about, Frodo. All that happened between Legolas and I was lust. What you and I have, Frodo, is real.” She says to him.

 

“Really, you care about me?” Frodo asks her with disbelief.

 

“I love you, Frodo, with all my heart.” Meredyth says with tears in her eyes.

 

“I love you too, Meredyth.” He tells her as tears of joy pour down his face. He embraces her and they kiss passionately.

 

Meredyth looks at Frodo happily. “You know the corn thing turned me off though.”

 

“After a while I got bored with it and gave it to Merry and Pip.” He admits.

 

Meredyth smiles at Frodo. “Oh, Frodo, honey, I’m so relieved to hear you say that.”

 

Frodo didn’t waste any time, he lays Meredyth down on the floor and starts screwing her brains out.

 

Just then Meredyth and Frodo hear a voice, but it doesn’t stop them.

 

“Merrie? Where are you?” Kristina calls out.

 

All of the sudden, “Ahhh!!” Kristina says as she trips over the massive entwined limbs.

 

Meredyth looks up. “Man, I hope she’s okay. Whoa, deja vu!”

 

“Hey, you two!” Kristina yells at them. “Watch where you’re fucking.”  She giggles and walks away.

 

Boromir runs up. “Darling, are you okay?” He scoops Kristina up in his arms tenderly.

 

Kristina is furious. “Damn it, I am so going to kick your ass Lynne! Oh, hi Boromir.” Kristina smiles sweetly at Boromir.

 

Gandalf pops his head up behind Boromir. “Can we all get back to the meeting?”

 

Boromir quickly steps away from Gandalf. He carries Kristina back to the meeting. Elrond sees Kristina in Boromir’s arms and giggles. “I’d do them.” He comments to Legolas.

 

Meredyth and Frodo walk up hand in hand. “Let’s get this meeting started.” Frodo says.

 

They all start talking about the ring and its power. Meredyth doesn’t pay attention, but instead starts to tickle Frodo. Kristina dozes off.

 

Just when Elrond starts talking about taking the ring into Mt. Doom, Kristina awakens and stretches lazily. She looks around, admiring all the beef.

 

“I should probably do Legolas again.” She muses. Suddenly she springs to her feet.  “Hey, check it out! Merrie, look!”

 

Everyone falls silent and watches as Kristina jumps up to where Legolas is seated. She grins lecherously. “Hey, Legs, who are your friends?” She eyes the elves sitting next to Legolas. “Hey, Merrie! They all look like Legolas! Yummy!”

 

Kristina is jumping up and down in delight. “Whoohoo!” The elves smile at her shyly.  Kristina cracks her knuckles.

 

Elrond appears beside her. He giggles and says to the elves, “Escort Lady Kristina to my bedroom. Now. All of you.” Elrond giggles.

 

Kristina cracks her knuckles again and adds, “Yeah, and Lady Kristina wishes for you to service her.” She giggles.

 

A tall blonde elf takes Kristina’s right arm, and a tall blonde elf takes her left arm.  About a dozen more tall blonde elves follow close behind. Kristina giggles and calls back, “See ya, Merrie! And thanks Elrond. I owe you one. Hey, why don’t you join us?”

 

Elrond giggles. “Absolutely. I’ll be right there. I just need to stop in the kitchen first.”

 

Meredyth mutters “Damn. She’s lucky.”

 

Frodo looks at her.  What did you say?”

 

“I said Damn I love you, my little darling.”

 

Frodo smiles lovingly.

 

In the kitchen, Elrond rushes around. “Let’s see. Chocolate ice cream,broccoli, mozzarella sticks, a slab of beef… Hey Sam, did you eat all the jelly donuts?”

 

Sam looks down sadly. “I wish someone would do food play with me.”

 

Elrond looks at Sam sternly. “Don’t speak like that. Sex is to be taken seriously. It is a sacred, intimate union, not some casual game. Hey, look, a can of split pea soup!”  Elrond grabs the can and rushes off, his arms filled with food.

 

Sam sighs and stares down at his bowl of Lucky Charms.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Meredyth looks at Frodo tearfully. “Goodbye, my love.”

 

“Promise me you’ll follow.” Frodo pleads sadly.

 

Meredyth gazes into his eyes. “I would follow you to the end of the world, Frodo.”  She pledges. “I’ll join you as soon as Kristina is ready. I hope I can find her soon.”

 

Frodo kisses her. “I love you.” He whispers.

 

“You have my heart, Frodo.” Meredyth promises.

 

Strider butts in behind them. “You have my sword.”

 

Legolas appears. “You have my bow.”

 

Boromir says, “You carry the fate of us all, little one.”

 

Passing by, Elrond overhears them. “You can have a stalk of broccoli. It’s very durable.”

 

They turn and walk off.

 

Meredyth impatiently goes in search of Kristina.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Meredyth walks towards Elrond’s room. She hears footsteps behind her.

 

“Hello there, Meredyth, care for a celery stick?” Elrond gloats.

 

“Uhh. No that’s okay, really.”

 

“Meredyth, tell me everything you know about Lady Kristina.” Elrond giggles.

 

“Well, I’ve heard she likes extremely big dicks and kinky sex.”

 

“That’s my girl.” Elrond giggles and smiles.

 

Elrond giggles and rushes to his room. He enters and sees Kristina playing with her new Elf friends. “Hey, Lady Kristina, would you like to try some of my special split pea soup?”

 

“Did someone say split pea soup?” A voice says.

 

They all turn and look. Merry and Pip are lurking in the doorway.

 

“What the Hell are you two pretty boys still doing in my Rivendell. Go back to the courtyard with the others.”

 

“Can we take the soup with us?” Pippin asks Elrond.

 

“Fine. Here you go. You better know how to use it right.” Elrond giggles.

 

“Oh, we do.” They say in unison.

 

They grab the soup from Elrond and run out the door.

 

Meredyth runs over to get one last glimpse of Frodo. She got to the window just as the Dwarf, Gimli’s (aka, Dorf) fat ass departed.

 

Meredyth sits down in a chair and begins to cry. Kristina looks over at Meredyth, her tongue hanging out.

 

“Hey did I miss one?” Kristina asks Meredyth.

 

“No it was just Gimli.” Meredyth reassures her.

 

“Oh, okay, never mind.” Kristina remarks.

 

“Well, I’m ready to leave when you are.”

 

“Go ahead and go without me, Merrie. I’ll catch up.” She tells her.

 

“Okay then.” Meredyth says and disappears without a trace.

 

Elrond can’t believe his eyes. “Wow, I wish I could do that. There were a couple of times when it would’ve come in real handy.” Elrond giggles and takes a seat by the bed and lights up. “Hey, Lady Kristina, what’s happenin’ Lady Kristina?” Elrond giggles.

 

Kristina looks over at him, smiles and points down at a blonde head between her legs. “This one’s real lively and it’s also where you’ll be later, big daddy Elrond.” She giggles.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

The Fellowship is walking through snow and shit. Frodo sighs wistfully. “I sure miss Meredyth. Her touch was so gentle, her kisses were so sweet.”

 

Legolas chuckles. “Tell me about it.”

 

Luckily, Frodo doesn’t hear him.

 

“I hope they show up soon. Kristina and Meredyth seem like such nice young women.”  Boromir notes.

 

“Yeah, real nice.” Strider laughs, he and Legolas high-five each other. “Dude.”

 

Meanwhile…

 

Kristina still hasn’t left Rivendell. In fact, she and the elves haven’t left Elrond’s room in days.

 

Elrond and Kristina have just persuaded the elves to dress as Storm Troopers when Meredyth appears out of nowhere.

 

“Jesus, are you guys still fucking!?” Meredyth asks in disbelief.

 

“Hehehe. Merrie, you can have one.” Kristina offers generously, pushing a tall blonde elf towards her pal. The elf is too weak to stand and almost collapses onto the floor.

 

Meredyth catches the elf and helps him to a chair. “What are you doing to these poor guys, Kristina? I think this one’s almost dead!”

 

Kristina and Elrond giggle.

 

Meredyth picks Kristina’s robe up off the floor and tosses it to her. “Get dressed. We were supposed to meet Frodo two days ago.”

 

Kristina pouts. “I’m busy. Go away.”

 

Meredyth picks up a taser from the edge of the bed and uses it to frighten the elves away. They scamper off naked.

 

Elrond snatches the taser away from Meredyth. “Be careful. This is the only one I have left.” He giggles.

 

“You mean you used to have more? What happened to them?” Meredyth asks curiously.

 

Kristina giggles and points towards the retreating elves. “Broke ‘em.” She explains, causing Elrond to giggle.

 

“You two are real sick bastards.” Meredyth says. “Come on. Let’s go. Frodo is waiting.”

 

“No.” Kristina says.

 

“We must go, Kristina. Frodo and the others are waiting.” Meredyth insists.

 

“The others?” Kristina asks. Meredyth sees that she has been smokin’.

 

“Yeah, the others. Boromir, Legolas, Strider…” Meredyth reminds her.

 

“Dude, I’m there!” Kristina leaps up and throws on her robe.

 

Elrond sniffles. “I guess this means I won’t see you for a while.” He says sadly.

 

“I’ll be back.” Kristina guarantees.

 

“I know that you’re going to be near those other men. I know that they are stronger and more courageous than I. And, and I know that you are attracted to them.” Elrond looks down sadly. “Promise me something.” He asks quietly.

 

“Anything.” Kristina pledges.

 

“Promise me that you will fuck each and every one of them!” Elrond cracks his knuckles gleefully.

 

“You know that I would crawl through Hell to keep a promise to you. If that is what you want, I guess I’ll have to do it.”

 

“Eeew, you mean you’re gonna fuck Gandalf and that Dorf too? Gross!” Meredyth cries out.

 

“Uh, Elrond? They don’t count, right?” Kristina is about to drop down to her knees and beg.

 

“Nah, don’t bother with those two. Gandalf is a bad lay, and Gimli has a tiny dick.”  Elrond says.

 

“Well, I guess this is goodbye.” Kristina sighs.

 

Elrond giggles and kisses her. “Goodbye, Lady Cocksucker.”

 

“What the Holy Fuck did you call her?”  Meredyth asks.

 

“I mean, goodbye, Lady Kristina.” Elrond smiles down at Kristina.

 

“Goodbye, Big Daddy Elrond.” Kristina says.

 

Elrond squeezes her hand tenderly and gazes into her eyes. “Remember, if you’re a naughty little girl, Daddy’s going to spank you.”

 

“I can’t wait.” Kristina giggles.

 

Meredyth taps her foot and looks at her watch.

 

“Goodbye.” Kristina hugs Elrond.

 

“Goodbye.” Elrond giggles.

 

Meredyth and Kristina disappear into thin air.

 

In the Mines of Moria. . .

 

Pippin notices a skeleton sitting on a well. He tries to shake his hand and suddenly it falls down the well.  It crashes into everything in its way.

 

Then with the last thud, Gandalf looks at Pippin flirtatiously. “You sexy, fool of a Took.  I always have gone for the stupid ones.” Gandalf admits. He sobs for a moment as he remembers his time with Notinto.

 

Just as Gandalf approaches Pip to fondle him passionately, Frodo looks down as his sword starts to glow. They all prepare their weapons and await for the Orcs to break down the door.

 

The lid that the Dorf guy is standing on busts open. Legolas shoots an arrow through a hole in the door.

 

Meredyth and Kristina pop out of the lid. The door flies open and Orcs pour in. Where’s Meredyth leads them.

 

Kristina hides behind Boromir. “Hey Merrie! Doesn’t that look vaguely like your boyfriend?”

 

Frodo whirls around. “I’m not that ugly!” He protests.

 

“Shut up goddamnit!” Meredyth grabs a huge ax and rushes towards Kristina. “I have a sword and I know how to use it!”

 

“Ain’t that the truth!” Frodo and Legolas say in unison.

 

Kristina grabs Boromir’s shield and protects herself from Meredyth’s merciless blow.  Then she snatches away Boromir’s sword and lunges toward Meredyth with a war cry.

 

Meredyth dodges to the back of the room and Kristina races after her. They duel furiously as the men battle the vicious Orcs. “Hey, Merrie, this is kind of fun!” Kristina giggles.

 

“En garde!” Meredyth announces.

 

“Look, Merrie, I’m grasping Boromir’s sword! Hehehe. It’s real big.”

 

Meredyth laughs and runs over to Frodo. She tries to grab his sword from him, but suddenly a foul stench fills her nostrils.

 

“Oh, God, it’s Notinto!” Meredyth releases Frodo’s sword and looks for somewhere to hide.

 

“Where’s Meredyth?” The ominous figure growls.

 

Frodo jumps protectively in front of Meredyth. “You aren’t going to lay a finger on my honey.”  He says.

 

“Hun?” The thing growls.

 

“Yeah, MY HUN!” Frodo asserts.

 

The creature roars and lunges towards Frodo. Strider leaps forward, but the monster just picks him up and sniffs his crotch, then tosses him away like a rag doll.

 

It roars again and drives its lance into Frodo’s quivering body. Frodo falls to the ground.

 

Meredyth runs over and throws herself onto Frodo. “Frooodooo!” She cries out and starts to sob.

 

Kristina pulls Meredyth off of Frodo. “Come on, damnitt. I was kicking your ass.”

 

Legolas dashes over. “Do you two know this abomination?” He asks.

 

“Yeah, that’s Merrie’s boyfriend. Isn’t he a cutie?” Kristina laughs smugly.

 

“Never fear, ladies. I shall put an end to his miserable life.” Legolas proclaims.

 

Kristina notices that Strider has been knocked unconscious. She bounds over to him and starts to feel him up. “That’s what he looked like after I got done with him the other night.” She giggles.

 

Legolas shoots a couple arrows at Where’s Meredyth. It doesn’t seem to notice. Legolas calls out to Kristina “Hey, watch this!” He jumps onto its head and poses. He flexes his muscles, flips his hair, and shoots an arrow into the thing’s head.

 

Kristina stands up and starts to clap. She giggles, and says “Legs, that’s not going to work.  You’re not going to accomplish anything if you go after his Head. This is Notinto we’re talking about.” She giggles and returns her attention to Strider’s groin area.

 

Legolas does a little dance on its head, then jumps down. “So what should I do then?  Take a long look at me. You don’t really expect me to think for myself do you?”

 

Kristina giggles. “You wanna know what to do? Come over here.”

 

Meredyth interrupts. “No, its throat! You’ve got to go for its throat!”

 

Kristina laughs. “You would know.” She strokes Strider.

 

Gandalf screeches. “Good God, not his throat. That boy has the most talented throat I’ve ever been in!”

 

Legolas winces and aims his arrow for its throat. He shoots off, and the beast falls to the ground.

 

Meredyth starts laughing uncontrollably, then remembers Frodo and starts to weep.

 

Kristina walks over to the fallen hulk and kicks it a couple times. “It’s dead, all right.  Good job sweets.” She kisses Legolas. He jams his tongue down her throat.

 

Gandalf falls beside its body and starts to cry. “He was so young, so fresh.”

 

Strider gets up and looks around. “I feel like I’ve just scored.” He says. He notices Meredyth and Frodo and runs over.

 

Frodo sits up, smiling.

 

“Hey, you’re supposed to be dead!” Pip says, pulling out of Merry’s protective arms.

 

Frodo smiles and gestures down. “Mithril!” Strider realizes.

 

“Dude, he’s pointing to his boner.” Kristina observes.

 

Sam kneels by a dead Orc. “Do you think it’s edible?” He asks hopefully.

 

“Let’s go.” Boromir says.

 

They all walk out. “Did you guys see my shot?” Legolas asks proudly. “Did you? Did you?  Hey Kristina? Hey Meredyth?”

 

In the dark room behind them, the creature struggles to lift its head. “Meredyth?” It rasps. Slowly and painfully it pulls itself to its feet.

 

Kristina giggles as Strider hands her the pipe. “Hey man. What’s happenin’ man?”

 

Gandalf angrily grabs the pipe and hurls it back. “Stop messing around.” He says.

 

Behind them, the pipe hits the wall and bounces off. It lands on the thing’s head. The creature suddenly becomes ablaze with flames.

 

Meredyth turns around, hearing the awful screeching that was coming from it. “AHH!!!  Hey, everyone, get off your asses and run for your lives.”

 

Then they all turn for a moment and see Where’s Meredyth engulfed. They all turn back around. “AHH!!!” They all say in unison. They all run, even Gandalf.

 

“Holy shit, can I smoke that thing?” Kristina asks.

 

“I don’t know.” Meredyth tells her. “Why don’t you go up and ask it.”

 

Kristina’s quiet for a moment. “Nah.” She finally decides.

 

They all get to a long flight of twisting steps. They can hear music in the background.  (Ooga, Ooga, Noona, Ooga)

 

Just then they come to a big gap over hot lava. Kristina is the first to skip to safety.  Then Legolas jumps over and immediately goes over to Kristina. He then again drives his tongue down her throat.

 

“If you only knew how much I missed you.” Legolas says to her.

 

“That’s so sweet, but stop with the mushy shit we have to help the others.” She tells him.

 

“Oh, yeah, huh.” He remembers.

 

Gandalf jumps over effortlessly.

 

Boromir grabs Merry and Pippin and they jump over. Strider throws Sam over.

 

Then fat ass, Dorf tries his luck. “Nobody tosses a Dwarf.” He yelps. He almost falls, but Legolas grabs on to his thick, disgusting beard and pulls his tub of lard onto the rock.

 

“Eew, you’re going to wash your hands before they touch me again.” Kristina and Meredyth say in unison.

 

Where’s Meredyth’s play toys are everywhere shooting arrows. Legolas pulls out his bow gracefully and shoots his arrows.

 

“Please don’t hurt us.” The Orcs plead.

 

But Legolas does. He gets them all with a three-arrowed shot.

 

“Hey, ladies, wasn’t I fascinating?” Legolas tosses his hair proudly.

 

“Bravo!” Kristina says, clapping with enthusiasm.

 

Where’s Meredyth comes at Strider and Frodo breathing fire. “Hey, man. Where’s Meredyth, man?” Frodo and Strider try to control the rock that is now moving around.

 

“Lean forward.” Strider tells Frodo. Frodo leans forward. Strider holds his cape and admires his little Hobbit ass. They finally get it to move forward and it connects to the other rock. Legolas catches Frodo and tosses him aside. Then Strider leaps into Legolas’ arms. Legolas hugs him tightly and sticks his tongue in Strider’s ear.

 

Kristina breathes a sigh of relief. “That was close. We almost lost ourselves some fine ass.” Gandalf nods.

 

“Frodo’s my dream boy.” Gandalf bats his lashes.

 

Frodo runs quickly past Gandalf. He takes Meredyth into his arms.

 

“Thank goodness, I didn’t think you’d make it.” She says looking into his beautiful, blue eyes.

 

They all storm over to a much bigger area. Gandalf’s old man ass is trailing behind.

 

Just then Where’s Meredyth comes out off of nowhere. Gandalf recites sexually to Where’s Meredyth. “I want your ass!” He says slamming his stick into the ground. The monster falls into the lava. Gandalf pretends to be relieved and starts to walk away from his lover.

 

Suddenly its whip grabs Gandalf’s ankle and pulls him to the edge, he moans lustfully.  Strider runs up and tries to save him.

 

“Gandalf!!” Frodo screams out to him.

 

Gandalf tries to hold on. “I’m finally going to get some, you fools.” Then he falls into the boiling hot lava of love.

 

“No!!!!!!” Frodo yells and starts to cry. Meredyth comforts him and cries along with him.

 

Boromir grabs Frodo. “Aragorn! Look what I got!” Boromir carries Frodo off.

 

They all leave and walk out into the cold snow.

 

Kristina walks behind everyone, and tries to sneak back into the mines.

 

“Kristina, what are you doing? You mustn’t go back in there. It’s dangerous.” Boromir says. “I know you grieve for Gandalf, but there’s nothing we can do to save him.”

 

Kristina struggles to get away from Boromir. “I have to go back!” She says frantically.

 

Strider walks over. “She’s such a sweet girl. Look how much she wants to try to save Gandalf.” He says admiringly. “I’m sorry, but he’s gone.”

 

Kristina giggles. “Screw the old guy, I want to get a hold of that whip. That was awesome!”

 

Sam walks up. “I’m hungry.” He says.

 

Kristina looks around. She sees that Meredyth is busy consoling Frodo. “Poor Merrie. I bet she isn’t going to get any out of him for a while.” Kristina smiles. “Hey, guys, wanna fuck?” She inquires.

 

“Yeah! Yeah!” Sam says happily.

 

Kristina laughs and looks at him. “You know, I think Merry and Pip have a can of soup over there.”

 

“Food!” Sam runs towards them.

 

Kristina looks around carefully. She points to Boromir. “You.”

Boromir pulls out his big thick meat.

 

Kristina points at Strider. “You.” Strider grins and walks over.

 

Kristina points at Legolas. “You.” Legolas prances over and high-fives Strider.  “Dude.”

 

Kristina points at Gimli. “You. Stay.” Gimli frowns and sits down, disappointed.

 

Kristina giggles and points at Gimli again. “You just sat in some Orc shit.”

 

Meredyth sniffs. “Smells like Notinto’s brand.”

 

Frodo looks at her. “Who is Notinto?” He asks curiously.

 

“He’s just some psycho guy.” Meredyth says.

 

“Yeah, some psycho guy that you used to fuck. Technically, he’s still your boyfriend, isn’t he?” Kristina says, smiling evilly.

 

“Your boyfriend!? You mean you’re another man’s woman?” Frodo stands up in shock.

 

“I wouldn’t call him a man.” Kristina corrects him.

 

“So you’re cheating on him with me?” Frodo asks.

 

“And Legolas.” Kristina chimes in.

 

Frodo wipes a tear. “How could you do that?” He asks. He walks off.

 

Meredyth starts to go after him. “Let me explain.” She yells.

 

Kristina giggles to herself. “Hey, Merrie. I don’t think you should talk to him right now.  I know, why don’t I go try to have a word with him? I’ll try to explain your side to him.”

 

“Thank you, Kristina. You’re the best friend anyone could ask for.” Meredyth says gratefully.

 

“No problem. That’s what friends are for.” Kristina giggles. As she walks off, she starts singing. “I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna get some!”

 

Meredyth overhears. “You whore! Is that what you were planning?”

 

“Ooops.” Kristina says.

 

Meredyth bitch-slaps her and pulls her hair. They start fighting wildly.

 

Legolas high-fives Strider. “Catfight!” Strider says happily. They settle down to watch.

 

Boromir leaps between the two gladiators. “Ladies, you must stop. You’re going to hurt yourselves.” He says.

 

“Aw, man.” Legolas says.

 

Kristina stands up. She looks down at Meredyth laying crumpled on the ground.  Kristina giggles and wipes some blood from her nose. “Blood.” She notes. She licks it.

 

“What the Hell are you doing? You’re sick!” Meredyth says weakly.

 

Kristina giggles and reaches for more. Then she smells the air. “That Dorf is still covered in Orc shit.” She says. She looks at Boromir, Strider, and Legolas. “And I have to tend to you guys.”

 

Meredyth gives out a sigh of relief and hurries over to Frodo.

 

“Frodo!!” Meredyth calls out to him.

 

“Leave me alone.”

 

“Notinto and I had an awful relationship. I’ve been trying to stay away from him.” She tells him.

 

“Is that the same guy that only liked pleasing himself?”

 

“Yep that’s him.” She says sadly.

 

“So where is he now?”

 

“With Gandalf.” She tells him.

 

“What?”

 

“Who do you think was the thing that had lust in its eyes every time it looked at Gandalf?  I think Gandalf will be happy where he is now. Notinto was the last thing Gandalf saw before he died.”

 

“Whoa. That would suck.” Frodo says. “I’m sorry I didn’t trust you.”

 

“That’s okay, I understand.” She tells him.

 

Frodo starts removing his clothes. “I really am very sorry.”

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Kristina sighs happily as Strider and Boromir give her a tongue bath. Legolas goes off to wash his hands, then returns eagerly. Kristina smiles. “Damn, this is heaven.” She says, just before Legolas slips his arrow into her mouth.

 

Merry and Pip are huddled together under a tree. Merry has built a fire and is heating up the soup. “Not too hot.” Pip cautions him.

 

Sam licks his lips. “I sure am hungry.”  He comments.

 

“That’s not for eating, you dummy.” Merry tells him. He slaps Sam upside the head.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Frodo only ends up taking off his shirt. Meredyth takes Frodo’s hand and they walk up to a secluded building.

 

“There’s something I want to talk to you about first, Frodo.”

 

“What’s that?” Frodo asks her, smiling.

 

“Back there, I thought I was going to lose you forever.” Meredyth tells him. “You mean more than anything to me right now. Things are going so fast between us and we barely know each other.”

 

“I know I didn’t expect to meet anyone like you.” He mentions.

 

“Well, Frodo. . .I. . .uh.” She starts to say.

 

“What are you trying to say?” Frodo asks.

 

“Everytime I get this close to someone, something awful happens and we break up.”

 

“That will never happen.” He assures her.

 

“How do you know, Frodo?”

 

“Because I have never felt this way about anyone until I met you.”

 

Frodo takes Meredyth in his arms and holds her tight. Frodo sits down on the steps and Meredyth stands in front of him. Her clothes disappear into thin air. Frodo grabs onto her sides and begins to kiss her stomach.

 

Frodo lays her down on the warm grass. He stands up for a moment and takes off the rest of his clothes. Frodo lays down on top of her. He inserts himself and starts kissing Meredyth’s neck.

 

Frodo grabs her thighs and begins to thrust vigorously. They both start moaning with pleasure. Frodo holds onto her tight.

 

Frodo starts thrusting faster. . .and faster. . .and faster. Frodo and Meredyth scream uncontrollably. They switch positions. Meredyth is now riding Frodo like the wind. She bounces up and down on his thick beef. His moans and groans echo throughout the forest.

 

Frodo reaches between Meredyth’s legs and plays with her. She begins pumping harder.  Frodo’s thighs quiver and sweat. Then he pulls out and cums on his hot, perspiring body.

 

Meredyth massages Frodo’s sexy body. Frodo moves down to Meredyth’s you-know-what.  He licks her all over her Labyrinth Of The Shire. Meredyth runs her fingers through his soft, curly hair. She screams out his name as she cums. Frodo licks her dry.

 

Frodo moves back up to her mouth and tries to kiss her. “Hey, you, Hobbit boy, I don’t think so. Back away from the mouth.” Frodo looks at her confused.

 

“What’s wrong, Darling?” He asks, rubbing her chest.

 

“I don’t kiss a guy after he eats me out and drinks my cum.” She tells him smiling.

 

“Okay that’s fine. Do you have a tic tac?” He asks her.

 

“Of course. I always have a pack of them for emergencies like this.” She says and kisses Frodo on the cheek.

 

“Cool.” Frodo says and takes three of them.

 

Frodo’s tic tacs finally dissolve. He gently kisses Meredyth on the mouth.

 

Frodo looks into Meredyth’s eyes. “I love you so much, Meredyth.”

 

“I love you too, Frodo.”  Meredyth tells him.

 

Then they continue on with their kissing.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Kristina, Boromir, Strider, and Legolas finally finish their love lambada. Boromir and Strider are recuperating under a tree. Kristina sits beside Legolas. She is lovingly braiding his beautiful bleached blonde hair.

 

“Hey, Kristina. Who do you love?” Strider asks.

 

“I love you, darling.” Kristina replies.

 

Boromir looks heartbroken. “I thought you were beginning to love me.” He says.

 

“I do love you, Boromir.” Kristina reassures him.

 

Legolas pouts. “No. You love me. How can you not love me? Just look at me.” He informs Kristina.

 

Kristina smiles and runs her fingers through his hair. “Of course I love you, sweetheart.”

 

“Wait, I don’t get it. You said you love me.” Strider is puzzled.

 

“I do love you, demon dong.” Kristina says. “I love all three of you. You see, I am polyamorous.”

 

“What the fuck?” Strider asks.

 

Legolas smiles brightly. “That means she can be in more than one committed relationship at a time.”

 

Kristina gasps. “Legolas, you actually know a five syllable word?”

 

Legolas is proud. “Yeah, when I was a young Elfling I had a very strict teacher. If I didn’t study hard he would… punish me.”

 

“I see.” Kristina smirks.

 

Boromir frowns. “But, who do you love best, Kristina?”

 

Legolas jumps up. “Just look at me.” He twirls around and tosses his hair a few times.  “Of course she loves me the most.”

 

Strider stands up. He removes his shirt and flexes his muscles. He strokes his manly beard. “Look at my overpowering masculine self. Obviously she loves me the best.”

 

Boromir rises. “No, she loves me the most. Check this out.” He reaches into his pants and pulls out his gargantuan gargoyle.

 

Kristina examines everyone. “I love all three of you the same. You guys are pretty cool.”  She springs to her feet. “I want some grub. I think I’ll go see what the Hobbits are cooking. It smells good.”

 

Kristina dashes over to where Merry, Pippin, and Sam are gathered around a large pot.  “Hey guys, is that almost done?”

 

Pippin and Merry look at each other blissfully. “Yeah, do you want to join us?” Pippin asks gleefully.

 

Sam leaps in front of the soup and growls at Kristina. “No! There’s not enough for me and everyone else too. You can’t eat any.”

 

Merry smacks Sam. “You dummy. We’re not going to EAT it.”

 

“What?” Sam asks. “It’s food. It must be consumed as quickly as possible.”

 

“No. You see, we’re going to…” Pippin starts to explain.

 

“Oh, I understand.” Kristina says. “I don’t think I’m really hungry anymore.”

 

Kristina bounds away. She returns to where Boromir is sitting. “I’m hungry. Got any of that sausage handy?”

 

Boromir grins and whips it out.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

“Pooey” Pippin spits into Merry’s hole of love and pours soup between his legs. Pippin leans over and licks it all off.

 

“That’s it I’m going for a walk. You guys are disgusting.” Sam says and wanders off in search of food meant for eating.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Gimli is moving around in his pile of Orc shit. “Oh, yeah.  This is marvelous. I should bring some with me.” He thinks. “I wonder if there is a fresh pile around here somewhere.” He looks around. “Alright, there’s some.”

 

Gimli quickly rushes over with excitement. He bends over and sniffs it. “Ahh.”  He happily plops down on it and squishes it around. “Oh, how I love hot shit this time of year.”

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Kristina lovingly watches Boromir stroke himself. “Well, well, I see you haven’t been with Meredyth yet.”

 

Kristina doesn’t waste any time, she slides Boner’s meat in her mouth. He moans and groans and barks like a banshee. His asscheeks tighten and he starts moaning louder.  His cheeks turn red and his balls start dripping with sweat.

 

Boromir pulls out with one last bark. He shoots all over Legolas’ face.

 

“Hey, you sick bastard, watch where you aim that thing.” Legolas giggles and starts jerking himself.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Frodo and Meredyth are laying naked together. Frodo is smoking his pipe. Meredyth kisses Frodo and her clothes reappear again. Frodo puts his clothes back on.

 

Just then Merry and Pippin walk over. Meredyth whispers something in Frodo’s ear. He frowns at first, but then shakes his head.

 

“Come here, Pippin. Come over here and lay next to me.” Meredyth says to him.

 

Pippin tries to be mature and begins to strut over to Meredyth. But, instead he trips over a rock and falls on his ass. He pulls himself up and crawls the rest of the way.

 

Pippin finally makes it to his destination and lays next to Meredyth with a dorky grin on his face. Pippin gets closer to her face. Meredyth leans in and kisses him. She gets on top of him. They hold each other tight.

 

Meredyth moves down and starts kissing Pippin’s chest. Pippin begins moaning lustfully.  Meredyth takes off Pippin’s clothes. She massages Pippin’s outer thighs. Pippin lifts her chin up to his mouth and begins to kiss her again.

 

Pippin stops for a moment and looks at her. You know I’ve never been with a woman before.” Pippin admits. “To tell you the truth I didn’t actually do anything with Merry except lick soup off his legs.”

 

“Really, what were you two doing on the floor in Elrond’s room?” She asks curiously.

 

“We were just smoking our pipes and talking.” Pippin tells her.

 

“What about the time with the corn and stuff?” She asks him.

 

“We got hungry sitting there listening to you and Frodo getting it on all day long.”  Pippin says to her. “I was hoping I’d get my chance to be with you and now my dream has come true.

 

Meredyth grabs Pippin and pulls him on top of her. Pippin embraces her and takes off her clothes. He gets on his knees and rubs her chest. Meredyth gets on her knees and Pippin inserts himself.

 

Just then Sam comes over and sees how lonely Merry looks sitting on the ground. He drops his basket of berries and wobbles over to him. “Would you like a new buddy?”  Sam asks him.

 

“Sure, take off all your clothes and assume the position.” Merry says with a wink. Sam smiles and obeys.

 

Pippin and Meredyth kiss passionately. Pippin thrusts in a very fast motion. Meredyth moans out loud with the stimulation of Pippin’s salami. Pippin and Meredyth cum in unison. Even though they are covered in sweat, they hold each other close.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Sam looks over at Pippin and Meredyth. “I thought that Pippin didn’t like women.” He pants in Merry’s ear.

 

Merry laughs. “We had a bet. If Pippin could get into her pants, I would be his bitch for the rest of the year. He must have told her that he wasn’t really into men. He’s such a lying man-slut.”

 

Sam sees his opportunity. “Why don’t you start your bitchdom right now? I’ll come with.”

 

“Good idea, Sam.” Merry pulls his sweaty man meat out of Sam’s clenching hole and walks over to where Meredyth and Pippin are embracing. Sam follows.

 

As soon as Pippin sees Merry’s erect organ, he crawls over and swallows it whole. Sam reaches down and fondles Pippin’s noodle, making it spring back to life instantly.

 

Frodo stares at the other Hobbits and takes another puff. He smiles at Meredyth. “Hey, Mer, what’s happenin’, Mer?”

 

Meredyth looks at Pippin, who now is greedily slurping on Merry’s hot balls. She realizes that yes, she actually had sexual intercourse with a gay Hobbit. And, damnitt, it was good too.

 

In shock, Meredyth leans over and grabs Frodo’s pipe. She tries to inhale, but he grabs it from her. “Hey man, what do you think you’re doing? This is expensive shit!” He says.

 

Suddenly Merry howls with pleasure and tumbles forward. His face lands right in Meredyth’s lap. He licks. “Hey, you taste like Pippin!” He tells her.

 

Meredyth tries to push him away, but he resists. “What’s the big idea? The damage has already been done.” Merry reminds her. He continues licking.

 

Meredyth closes her eyes and moans. Suddenly she feels Frodo’s hands touching her body.  His hands roam all over her, poking, petting, and prodding.

 

“Frodo’s getting so skilled.” Meredyth thinks. “It’s almost like he has four hands.” She feels his sweet lips teasing hers. She kisses back, and feels a hot wet tongue dance around in the depths of her mouth. “When did he learn how to kiss so beautifully? He wasn’t this good before.” She asks herself. When she feels his mouth wander down to her flushed chest, she sighs and tangles her fingers in his downy hair. She opens her eyes and gazes down at the wonderful blonde head.

 

“OH SHIT!” Meredyth jumps up in horror. “Sam, you bastard!  Don’t ever scare me like that again. . .Sam, baby!” Meredyth drops to her knees and begins to suck Sam’s dick.  Then Merry and Pippin start going at it again.

 

Then Frodo comes over and removes all his clothes again. Meredyth reaches for his powerful sword and jerks him like there’s no tomorrow.

 

Just then Frodo and Sam say in unison “Switch.” Frodo laughs as he frolics in front of Meredyth’s head. Meredyth grabs Sam’s schlong and starts jerking him.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Legolas decides to take a break from all his fun and go for a walk. Kristina tries to follow him, but he tells her wants to be alone for a while.

 

Legolas walks over by a building where he sees Meredyth and the Hobbits enjoying themselves. He wants to go over and participate, but it probably wouldn’t go over well with Frodo. He goes over anyway.

 

“Hello, it looks like all of you are having a great time.” Legolas tells them.

 

“Would care to join us?” Meredyth asks him flirtatiously.

 

“Are you sure?” Legolas asks her.

 

“Of course she’s sure. Come on, old man, hop right in.” Frodo assures him.

 

“Here, Legolas. . .sir you can take my spot.” Sam tells him. He slides his dick out of Meredyth’s hand. He then joins Merry and Pippin.

 

Legolas screams with every jerk. Frodo pulls out and walks behind Meredyth. Then he inserts himself.

 

Merry is so exhausted he flops down onto the ground. He glances over at Meredyth and her clan. He gets excited and leaps over to them.

 

“Can I have a go?” Merry asks Frodo.

 

“Sure, what are cousins for?” He says to him as Meredyth puts her clothes back on.

 

Merry smiles and takes Meredyth’s hand.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Boromir and Strider look down at their sweaty balls. Strider immediately starts jerking.  Then Boromir gets up.

 

“I think I’m going to ask that Elf what he uses on his hair.” Boromir announces. He tosses his hair, giggles and walks away.

 

“Well, I guess it’s just you and I now, Handsome.” Kristina replies.

 

“Don’t forget stinky old Gimli over there.” He say pointing to the pitiful Dorf.

 

Gimli looks over when he hears his name. “Me? Is it my turn now?” His eyes widen.

 

“Yeah, whatever. Why don’t you go jump in a big pile of Orc shit.” Kristina smirks.

 

“Oh, yeah that sounds great.” He says jumping to his feet. “Thanks a lot you guys. See you later.” He runs off in search of more shit.

 

“Now we’re completely alone, Kristina.” Strider flirts.

 

“I’m so glad.” She smiles at him.

 

Strider whips out his juicy, succulent meat and inserts it into Kristina’s opening. Then he thrusts his manly self in and out a few times. Then he pulls out and begins dick slapping her across the face.

 

“Oh, yeah! Slap me harder, Strider. Come on you, wild man, you! She giggles.

 

Strider then slides it back in and thrusts with all his power and might. Kristina screams out loud with pleasure.

 

Strider yanks out his strong sword. He looks down noticing that his bulging stem of love is still hard. He then spanks his monkey and shoots nature’s cream filling all over her.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Merry and Meredyth take a walk to a cabin in the forest. They are both dressed now.  The cabin looks small from the outside, but it’s really quite spacious on the inside.

 

Meredyth begins kissing Merry and feels a chill go down her spine. She takes off all his clothes and he takes off hers.

 

Merry sits down in a wooden chair. Meredyth goes over to Merry and straddles him on his lap. She pulls him close to her and kisses him passionately. Merry stops for a moment and gazes at her.

 

“You know, Meredyth, I could be bi-sexual.” He tells her squeezing her ass.

 

“I suppose it’s possible.” Meredyth agrees.

 

Meredyth and Merry get up and move to the king sized bed in the corner. Meredyth lays down on her back, Merry gets on top of her and massages her neck with his soft lips.  Meredyth moans and rubs his manly shoulders.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Kristina climaxes with a primal scream. She stands up and puts her red velvet robe on.

 

“Hey, I haven’t cum yet!” Strider exclaims.

 

Kristina shrugs and walks off.

 

She wanders over to Pippin and Frodo who are nibbling on Sam’s berries. She smiles and grabs a handful. “You know, I saw Elrond do a pretty cool trick with these. Bend over, Frodo.”

 

Legolas prances over. “You shouldn’t try to imitate Elrond. He can be dangerous sometimes.”

 

Kristina giggles. She flings the berries at Legolas.

 

“No, stop! You might stain my hair!” Legolas panics and rushes over to the pond.  He dives in and frantically tries to wash his hair.

 

Kristina drops her robe and jumps in after him. She reaches out and starts to help him with his hair. Then she says out loud “I’m nekkid in a pond with Legolas. And I’m just washing his hair. Merrie would never believe this.” She giggles, reaches down, and tugs on his balls.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Meredyth and Merry are holding each other and sweating from head to toe. They have been rolling around on the bed and kissing for about 30 minutes.  Finally, Merry inserts himself and thrusts like a pro. He begins screaming his brains out.

 

“Oh, Pippin! Oh, how does that feel, baby?!?!” He moans.

 

“Uh, I’m not Pippin.” Meredyth tells him.

 

Merry looks down at her. “Oops, sorry, Meredyth.”

 

“That’s okay, but whatever you do, don’t stop. It feels great. You’re wonderful at this.”  She tells him.

 

“Thanks.” Merry says proudly. “Do you think I’d make a good straight guy?” He asks her.

 

“No. You love Pippin too much.”

 

“Yeah, you are probably right.” Merry says.

 

Merry goes on thrusting again. Then they switch positions and Meredyth gets on top and rides him like a mechanical bull at the state fair. He pulls out and shoots jelly on Meredyth.

 

“Ahh! Wow you must of liked it a lot, Merry.”

 

Merry tries to calm his panting. “I have never cum so much before.”

 

“Really, not even with Pippin?”

 

“No.” He admits.

 

Meredyth gazes into his big, blueish grey eyes. Merry lays on top of Meredyth and kisses her like crazy.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Kristina and Legolas are going at it in the pond. Legolas is relieved that Kristina is good at getting berries out of people’s hair.  Strider rips off his clothes and jumps in the pond too.

 

Then out of nowhere stomps in Arwen. Kristina glares at her coldly.

 

“You whore, because of you my father disowned me. He said that you are his daughter now.” She whimpers.

 

Meredyth looks up from between Merry’s legs and hears the commotion. She jumps up and quickly puts on her clothes. Then she storms out.

 

Kristina rushes out of the water and confronts Arwen with evil in her eyes. Everyone turns and sees Meredyth walking towards the group.

 

“You. . .you. . .WHORE!!” Arwen snaps at Kristina.

 

“Why thank you for the compliment.” Kristina says happily.

 

Meredyth challenges Arwen. “Hey, Bitch!!!”

 

Arwen turns around. Suddenly Elrond appears. Meredyth runs over and jumps in the air preparing to kick Arwen in the face (Matrix style).

 

“Boy, that move looks familiar.” Elrond giggles.

 

Meredyth kicks Arwen directly in the face. She falls senseless into boiling hot split pea soup and knocks Gimli over. Then she lands face first into Orc shit.

 

“That’s my type of woman.” Gimli remarks.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Pippin gazes passionately into Sam’s eyes.

 

“Sam?”

 

“Yes, Pippin, darling?” Sam flirts.

 

“I am seriously thinking about breaking up with Merry. We have been fighting a lot lately over stupid shit.  So, I was wondering if we could be a couple?” Pippin says smiling at him.

 

“Oh, I thought you’d never ask.” Sam leaps onto Pippin and kisses him passionately.

 

Then Merry walks over to them as he finishes buttoning his pants.

 

“So, where did you go?” Pippin asks him with jealously.

 

“I just went for a walk with Meredyth.” Merry tells him. “I see you two have been able to keep busy.”

 

“Oh, yes I almost forgot I have decided to break it off with you. Sam and I have so much more physical attraction than you and I ever did. Besides I like heftier men.” Pippin brags. Merry just nods. “You don’t seem disappointed.” Pippin remarks as he runs his fingers through Sam’s hair.

 

“I was planning on breaking it off with you too.” Merry tells him.

 

“Well, if you now have your mind set on Meredyth, don’t forget about Frodo. Meredyth loves him and would never want to lose him.” Pippin giggles.

 

“Oh shut up, Pippin.” Merry says.

 

“If there’s one thing cousins won’t share it’s their woman.” Sam says, jerking Pippin.

 

“Is that so, Sam? Well then I feel pretty lucky.”

 

“What do you mean, Merry.” Pippin asks nosily.

 

“Well, on our walk we went up to a cabin and fucked.”

 

“WHAT!!!!” Pippin screams.

 

“Yep, she’s real good too. I rode her and she rode me. It was great!” Merry says dreamily.  “She gives better head than you.”

 

Pippin starts to cry and runs off. Merry rolls his eyes and walks away.

 

From behind a tree, Frodo hears everything. “I didn’t expect this to happen. I thought Merry was going to continue his gayness afterwards.” Frodo thinks to himself. “That will be the last time I share anything with him.”

 

Frodo goes off to find Meredyth, hopefully before Merry does.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Meredyth is in the pond bathing. Frodo runs over towards her and takes off his clothes.  Then he jumps in and swims over to her.

 

Meredyth embraces Frodo happily. Merry watches them from afar.

 

“So, what did you and Merry do?”

 

“Each other.”  Meredyth tells him.

 

“Cool.”  Frodo says.

 

Meredyth is surprised that Frodo isn’t mad.

 

“I know I can trust you. I’m the one you love, not him.” Frodo tells her.

 

“Exactly.” Meredyth says. She holds Frodo tight. Then she looks up and notices Merry standing there. She smiles at him and he smiles back. Meredyth gestures to him and points to her jeans.

 

Merry walks over and picks them up. He looks in the pocket and pulls out a note. It reads “Merry, meet me at the cabin ASAP.” He looks up at her and smiles from ear to ear.  Merry runs as fast as he can to the cabin.

 

Meredyth giggles. “Where did that come from?” Frodo asks her.

 

“I’m telling you it’s contagious.”

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Kristina giggles and spots Elrond. She begins walking over to him, he smiles at her.  Kristina walks up to him and kisses him passionately.

 

“So who have you done so far?”  He giggles.

 

Gimli jumps in with Arwen and playfully forces her head into the heaping pile of shit.

 

“Ahh!!” Arwen screams.

 

She runs to the pond and dives in head first. Gimli jumps in after her. Then all the fish float to the top and the once clean water turns brown.

 

Meredyth gets out of the pond and puts her clothes back on. Then she heads towards the cabin.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Merry is in the cabin and is pacing back and forth. Then he hears the door open. It’s Meredyth, of course. Merry smiles and sits down in the chair.

 

“Hi, Merry, I have a lot to talk to you about.” She says pacing.

 

“Let me go first.” Merry says getting up.

 

“Okay.”  Meredyth smiles.

 

“Pippin broke up with me for Sam.” Merry tells her.

 

“Whoa.” Meredyth says surprised.

 

“But, it didn’t bother me at all.” Merry tells her.

 

“How come it didn’t bother you?”

 

“Because I don’t want him. I want someone else.” Merry flirts.

 

Merry takes Meredyth’s hand and leads her over to the bed. She lays down and Merry lays next to her. Meredyth looks into his eyes and strokes his face. They start kissing and Merry gets on top of her. Meredyth removes his clothes.

 

Meredyth reaches down and grabs Merry’s Pipe. Merry inserts himself and he pulls her up to a sitting position and begins thrusting. There is a knock at the door, but does that stop Merry Brandybuck. . .HELL NO!!! Just then Elrond and Kristina barge in. Merry and Meredyth don’t want to stop, they grab their clothes and run out of the cabin.

 

Then Elrond and Kristina snatch the bed. Legolas leaps into the room and tosses his hair.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Merry and Meredyth lay down on the ground and dissolve into a frenzy of passion.  They are so involved in their lust that they don’t notice Frodo walk up behind them.

 

“What are you two doing?” Frodo screams.

 

“Each other!” Merry and Meredyth say in unison.

 

“I thought you loved me!” Frodo is on the verge of tears.

 

“I can explain.” Meredyth says. “Just give me about 15 minutes.”

 

“Okay, I’ll be back.” Frodo walks away.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Boromir is checking his hair for split ends. He calls out to Strider, “Hey, do you think Legolas’ color would look good on me?”

 

Strider looks at Boromir carefully. “Maybe not quite so blonde. Just some highlights might work, though. I bet you would look absolutely dashing with highlights.” Strider giggles.

 

Sam and Pippin wander up. “Hey, Boromir. If you want I can help you color your hair.”  Pippin volunteers eagerly.

 

“Actually, I want to have Legolas give me a hand. He has a lot of experience with that sort of thing.” Boromir explains.

 

“I see.” Pippin says.

 

“You can bleach my hair!” Sam chirps.

 

“No, I like you just the way you are.” Pippin says gently.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Elrond giggles. Legolas giggles too. Kristina kisses Legolas tenderly, and Elrond leans over and nibbles on his ear. Kristina frowns and smacks Elrond. “Pay attention to me!”  She demands.

 

“And if I don’t are you going to slap me some more?” Elrond giggles and licks Legolas’ taut elf nipples.

 

Kristina shrugs and licks the other one. Elrond slowly licks a path down Legolas’ hard stomach. He meanders his way to Legolas’ jutting whacker. Kristina makes a face and pushes him out of the way before he can wrap his moist lips around Legolas’ throbbing sperm cannon of love. She quickly takes Legolas into her mouth. Legolas moans and begins tossing his hair wildly. Elrond giggles and starts to jerk the Big Staff of Rivendell.

 

After a while, Elrond giggles, reaches over and pulls Legolas’ man flesh out of Kristina’s mouth. He slaps it across her forehead. “What the fuck?” Kristina asks. Legolas giggles.  The threesome collapse on the bed in a pile of hot, tangled limbs.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Merry inserts himself again. He rides her like he rode Pippin only better. Meredyth holds onto Merry as he thrusts. They scream out loud and kiss passionately.

 

Pippin walks up and sees the two going at it. He turns his nose up and leaves. Merry and Meredyth giggle and continue.

 

“Would you. . .(panting). . .ever consider being with me instead of Frodo (starts breathing heavier)?” Merry asks her.

 

Meredyth pushes him onto the ground. “Duh.” Meredyth answers. Merry smiles excitedly.  Meredyth starts jerking him, he moans lustfully. Merry cums and screams her name.  Then they hear footsteps. Merry picks up Meredyth and gently lays her down on the grass and finger fucks her.

 

The footsteps become closer. Meredyth yells out his name. “Merry!!! Harder, Merry, harder!!! Oh, God!!!” She orgasms. Then Frodo shows up.

 

“Perfect timing. We just finished.” Merry tells him happily.

 

Frodo frowns. “I thought you guys were just going to talk or something.”

 

“Sorry to disappoint you, Frodo, but when you’re in love talking isn’t always enough.”  Merry gushes.

 

Meredyth tries not to smile. Frodo now has smoke coming from his ears. “That’s it you are no longer my cousin. You are now my enemy.” Frodo says evilly.

 

“Oh, don’t be such a baby.” Merry tells him. “Immaturity isn’t very attractive you know.”

 

“You asshole!” Frodo screams at Merry.

 

“Usually I would take that as a compliment, but my preferences have changed since.”

 

“I know I heard you, Pippin and Sam earlier.” Frodo announces.

 

“Please don’t fight. You guys are supposed to be cousins.”  Meredyth says.

 

“Well, we used to be.” Frodo growls. “So, Meredyth who will it be? Me or Merry?”  Frodo challenges.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Boromir is gazing at Strider, who is sharpening his mighty blade. “Strider, we’ve been through a lot together.” He purrs seductively.

 

Strider looks up at him in confusion. “What do you mean?” He asks.

 

Boromir reaches into his pocket and pulls out a box covered in red silk. “Look what Kristina loaned me!” He giggles.

 

Just then Sam walks up. “That looks like a box of chocolates!” He cries gleefully.

 

Boromir hides the box again. “No, it’s just a tool.” He lies hastily. Strider looks relieved.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Kristina moans and deep-kisses Legolas. Elrond grabs her head and slips his tongue down her throat. Kristina reaches down and strokes a hard, red hot rod.  She feels another steely ultimate weapon rub against her side. She giggles and watches as Legolas starts to rub Elrond’s manly chest.

 

Suddenly Elrond rises. “Where’s the kitchen at?” He asks.

 

“There isn’t a kitchen here. We’re in the middle of nowhere.” Kristina reminds him.  “(Dumbass)” She thinks.

 

“Well, then, I’ll be right back.” Elrond strides out of the cabin butt naked.

 

“I wonder where he’s going.” Kristina muses.

 

Legolas has turned whiter than a ghost. “I’m afraid.” He whispers.

 

Kristina giggles. “Come here. I’ll protect you.” She looks into his eyes. “Has anyone ever told you that you have beautiful hair?” She asks suavely.

 

Legolas forgets about his fear. “Yes, of course!” He says proudly. He smiles and flips his hair.

 

Kristina grins and reaches for his banana. “You are pretty hot.” She observes.

 

The door bursts open. Elrond flings himself on the bed excitedly. “Look at what I have!  It’ll fit you perfectly, Legolas!” Elrond giggles. “Close your eyes!”

 

Legolas closes his eyes apprehensively. “Hold out your hands, imbecile!” Elrond giggles.

 

Legolas fearfully holds out his hands. Elrond sets something in his hands.  Kristina screams and throws herself off the bed. Legolas opens his eyes and yelps, then drops the object and leaps into the air.

 

Elrond giggles. “It’s still nice and slimy.” He tells them. He leans over and picks the dead fish up. “It has a nice, tight mouth. Here, see if you like it.” He tosses the fish to Legolas.

 

Kristina giggles nervously, pulls on her robe, and disappears.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

“Well?” Frodo demands.

 

“I choose. . .Merry.”

 

Frodo’s face turns bright red. Then he punches Merry in the jaw. Merry retaliates and gets him in the nose. Frodo starts to bleed and faints. “Go ahead, honey, circumcise him.”

 

“No. I don’t want to be that mean.”

 

“Why not?” Merry asks her.

 

“Because Kristina hasn’t had her turn with him yet.” Meredyth reminds him. “She’ll put him in a body cast.”

 

“Cool.” Merry celebrates.

 

Frodo slowly recovers and tries to get up. Merry notices the poor invalid. He runs over and kicks him in the groin.

 

“AHH!” Frodo screams in agony.

 

“Merry, stop it please.” Meredyth pleads.

 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t resist.”  Merry apologizes.

 

“You’re one stupid bitch for breaking up with me for him.” Frodo says coldly.

 

Meredyth giggles and smashes her foot right into the Shaft of the Shire.

 

“Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!” Frodo yells and passes out.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Legolas runs quickly out of the cabin. Elrond goes after him. “Come on, Legolas, it’s very good for you!” He giggles.

 

Merry and Meredyth watch the two of them leave. They laugh uncontrollably. Then they run into the cabin again without even grabbing their clothes.

 

Meredyth is the first one in. She jumps on the bed with much enthusiasm. Merry rushes in and closes the door behind him. He hurries over and climbs onto the bed. He opens Meredyth’s legs and begins kissing her inner thighs. Merry looks up and smiles at Meredyth.

 

“I love you, you know.” He tells her.

 

“I know. I love you too, Merry.”

 

“Do you still love Frodo?” Merry asks her rubbing her legs.

 

“Not anymore.” She says honestly.

 

Merry starts kissing Meredyth’s thighs again. She moans happily.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Sam sees Frodo rolling around and clutching onto what’s left of The Shaft. “Frodo, what happened? Are you okay?” He asks.

 

“I don’t think I can ever have kids now.”

 

“Oh, no that’s terrible, Frodo.” Sam kneels down by his side and puts his hand on his shoulder.

 

“Oh, Sam, the worst is yet to come.” Frodo starts crying. “Meredyth broke up with me.”  He starts crying harder.

 

A big, toothy grin forms across Sam’s face. “Where is she now?” Sam asks trying not to sound so enthusiastic.

 

“In the cabin over there.” Frodo points weakly.

 

Sam rushes over and throws open the door. He sees Meredyth and Merry entwined together. He quickly closes the door. “Oh, damnitt!!” He says in disappointment.

 

Frodo’s weary head looks over. “They must be fucking again, huh?” Frodo says bawling his eyes out.

 

“Yep. Lucky, bastard.” Sam says.

 

“What did you say, Sam?” Frodo says with tears pouring down his face.

 

“Oh, nothing.” He runs over to Frodo and sits beside him.

 

“They’ve done it 3 times now. He must be a great lay.”

 

“Yeah he is.” Sam agrees.

 

“I need a hug, Sam.” Frodo tells him. Sam takes Frodo into his arms.

 

“There, there, Frodo. It will be okay.”  Sam assures him.

 

“No it won’t she’ll never love me again.”

 

“Why do you say that?”

 

“I called her a stupid bitch.”

 

“Well, that wasn’t nice.” Sam tells him.

 

“I was upset, I caught them doing it.”

 

“Well, at least you didn’t walk in on her and Legolas.” Sam says.

 

Frodo begins to cry even harder. “Oh, no I forgot about that ELF!”

 

“Would you like me to kick his ass for you?”

 

“Please, it would make me feel better.” Frodo sobs.

 

“Okay, Frodo, I’ll be right back.” Sam gets up and he is soon out of sight.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Merry and Meredyth are dripping with sweat from head to toe. They give out one last groan and Merry collapses onto Meredyth.

 

“I’m going to take a shower.” Meredyth says crawling out of the bed. “Care to join me?”

 

Merry smiles and leaps out of the bed. Then he takes Meredyth into his arms and carries her into the bathroom. They get it on again. After 15 minutes they fall out of the shower exhausted.

 

Meanwhile . . .

 

Kristina is laughing her ass off at Arwen. “This not our last meeting you cheap, slut!”  Arwen says to her.

 

She walks by Pippin. He sticks his foot out in front of her and she trips into yet another pile of Orc shit.

 

“Alright, Pippin.” Kristina cheers.

 

Pippin smiles proudly. Gimli’s heart is beating out of his chest. “I think I’m falling in love.” He says.

 

“So do I .” Merry says. Meredyth and Merry finally show up. Meredyth walks over to Kristina.

 

“I accomplished something great earlier.” Meredyth tells her.

 

“What’s that, Merrie?”

 

“I got a gay guy to change into a straight guy.” Meredyth says happily.

 

Kristina looks at Meredyth with confusion. Meredyth whispers into Kristina’s ear. “Merry’s not a natural blonde.”

 

Kristina’s eyes almost pop out of her head. “Is he a good lay?” She asks her excitedly.

 

“The best.” Meredyth gloats.

 

“Gimme.” Kristina says and begins to walk in Merry’s direction, but Meredyth stops her.

 

“You may want to wait awhile. Merry needs time to recuperate. I wore the poor guy out.”  She tells her. Kristina frowns. “But, I know someone who would be more than happy to see you. Frodo Baggins is no longer occupied.”

 

Kristina licks her lips and runs towards the cabin. Merry wanders off in search of water.

 

Meredyth can hear footsteps coming towards her. “Hello, Meredyth. I hope you don’t hate me for what happened earlier.” Legolas smiles at her.

 

“No, it’s okay.” Meredyth giggles.

 

“I had no idea Elrond taped us doing it.” He tells her.

 

“Neither did I.” Meredyth giggles again.

 

“I’d like to make it up to you.” Legolas giggles.

 

“Sure.”

 

“Great.” Legolas celebrates.

 

Legolas takes her behind a tree and reaches into his pocket. He pulls out red velvet box.  “Boromir gave this to me a few minutes ago.” He giggles.

 

Meredyth opens it and is shocked. “Whoa. That thing is huge.” She says.

 

“So, now I’m going to give it to you.” He tells her. “Maybe you and Merry could use it or something.”

 

“We don’t really need it, Legolas. Maybe you better give it to Frodo and Kristina. I know they’ll need it.”

 

Legolas looks at her oddly. “Frodo and Kristina?”

 

“Yeah that’s where I sent her a while ago.” Meredyth tells him.

 

“Well, she won’t get any out of him.”

 

“Why not, he’s not that bad.” Meredyth remarks.

 

“Didn’t you see Frodo and Sam making out by the cabin?”

 

“What? You are lying!!” Meredyth yells. She runs off to find Kristina.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Sam is picking berries and singing. Meredyth runs over to him. “Meredyth?” Sam says nervously.

 

“Where you making out with Frodo today?” Meredyth protests.

 

“We most certainly were not. Who told you that?” Sam asks.

 

“Legolas.”

 

“Oh, shit I was supposed to kick his ass. Frodo said it would make him feel better after he told me he lost you.” Sam tells her.

 

“Frodo said that.” Meredyth says feeling a little guilty.

 

“Yeah. He was crying and everything.”

 

“Oh, poor Frodo.” She says feeling tears starting to fill her eyes. “Is he still by the cabin?”

 

“I think so.” Sam says.

 

Meredyth rushes towards the cabin. Suddenly someone falls right on top of her.  “Ahh.”  She screams.

 

“Oops. I’m sorry, sweatheart.” Merry apologizes and kisses her on the cheek.  Meredyth looks up at him, noticing a pile of vegetables all over her. “Oh, let me take those off of you.” Merry giggles and removes the carrots and lettuce from Meredyth’s clothes.

 

“Once a thief, always a thief.” Meredyth shrugs.

 

“I’m glad to be a thief. I stole your heart.” Merry flirts.

 

Meredyth forgets all about Frodo. She pulls Merry to her mouth and they kiss passionately. She rips off all of Merry’s clothes.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Frodo is sobbing uncontrollably. “I miss Meredyth.” He yells out loud. He looks over and sees the happy couple. He walks over to them.

 

“Frodo?” Meredyth says.

 

“I just want to apologize for the things I said to both of you.” Frodo says.

 

“That’s okay, Frodo. I still hope we can be friends.” Merry says.

 

“Yes, of course we can.” Frodo agrees. Merry and Frodo hug.

 

“Aww. It’s a Kodak moment.” Meredyth says.

 

“Can I join you two.” Frodo asks Merry.

 

“Sure, Frodo, hop right in.” Merry tells him.

 

Kristina walks up and sees Meredyth groping both Frodo and Merry.  “Hey, Merrie, I thought you said I could have a go at Frodo!” She giggles.

 

“Okay, Merry and I will leave you two alone.” Meredyth giggles and strolls off with Merry.

 

Kristina smiles at Frodo. “Hey.” She says.

 

“Hey.” Frodo says, smiling back.

 

Suddenly they hear shrieking from outside of the cabin. They rush over just in time to see Sam holding Legolas in a headlock.

 

“What the bloody fuck are you doing!” Kristina screams. She kicks Sam in the gut. “Let him go. You’re going to damage him!”

 

Sam grunts and drops to the ground holding his gut. Kristina gently takes Legolas into her arms. “You poor little thing.” Kristina murmurs. She tenderly strokes his hair.

 

They hear giggling behind them. Elrond approaches Sam. “You’re a fiery little wanker, aren’t you?” He considers Sam thoughtfully.

 

“Daddy, no. Sam’s icky!” Kristina protests.

 

Elrond giggles and looks at Legolas. “Do you have any bruises? Can I see?” He asks.  He giggles.

 

Gimli and Arwen walk up hand in hand. “What the fuck?” Frodo asks.

 

Arwen smiles. “Daddy, Gimli and I are in love!” She blushes. “Gimli is such a magnificent man!”

 

“Not really.” Elrond mutters.

 

Kristina smiles at Arwen. “So you’re not mad at me anymore?”

 

“No, you can have Aragorn. I bind myself to Gimli.” Arwen gets a dreamy look in her eyes.

 

Meredyth pokes her head out of the cabin door. “What’s going on out here?  I was going to score.”

 

“Hey, Merrie, Arwen and Gimli are in love!” Kristina tells her.

 

“Cool.” Meredyth slams the door.

 

Kristina pulls open the door again. “Merrie, come and hang out with us.”

 

“Why?” Meredyth tries to shut the door, but Kristina stops her.

 

“Come on.” Kristina grabs Meredyth by the wrist.

 

“Fine. At least let me put my clothes on.” Meredyth gets dressed, then comes out.

 

Kristina takes Elrond’s pipe into her hands. “Let’s go.” She says.

 

Meredyth and Arwen start to follow her. Elrond and Gimli also follow.

 

“No.” Kristina says. “You guys stay here. Us girls are going to have a girl talk.”

 

Elrond giggles. “Can I at least watch?” He asks.

 

“Daddy! We’re just going to talk, nothing else.” Kristina tells him.

 

“Oh.” Elrond is disappointed.

 

Kristina turns and goes into the cabin. She smiles wickedly when she sees Merry passed out on the bed, nude. She sits beside him and lights up.

 

Meredyth and Arwen also come in. Meredyth looks and sees Elrond and Gimli standing just outside, grinning at her. She shudders and locks the door.

 

Kristina giggles and passes Elrond’s pipe to Arwen, who has been staring at Merry’s naked body. Arwen inhales deeply, then gets a funny look on her face. “Hey man, what’s happenin’ man?” She asks Merry. Merry is still unconscious, so he can’t answer.

 

Kristina smiles. “Hey, Arwen is pretty cool” She tells Merry.

 

Arwen sighs. “I love Gimli.” She tells them, having another toke. “He’s so much more manly than Aragorn.” Then she leans over and whispers “He is my first.”

 

Kristina and Meredyth look at each other. “Oh.” Meredyth says.

 

“Oh.” Kristina says. “What about Strider? Why in the Holy Fuck didn’t you do him?”

 

Arwen blushes. “I was saving myself for when we got married.” She laughs. “You know, Daddy really wanted me to marry Legolas. He said that it would be an honor to have such a noble young elf in his family.”

 

“Indeed.” Kristina giggles. “I agree.”

 

“Legolas is a nice guy. I nailed him.” Meredyth tells Arwen.

 

“So did I.” Kristina says. She and Meredyth high-five. “Dude.”

 

“I couldn’t marry Legolas. He’s intimidating. He’s so much more intelligent than me.”  Arwen tells them.

 

Kristina and Meredyth look at each other and try not to laugh.

 

Meredyth looks down and notices that Merry has started to spring back to life.

 

Kristina looks down at Merry. “Yum.” She says.

 

Meredyth grins. “Would you two mind leaving us alone?” She asks.

 

Kristina stands up. “No problem. Leave some for me.” She reminds Meredyth.

 

Kristina goes to the door, then turns around and notices that Arwen is still staring at Merry’s erection. “Come on.” Kristina grabs her and drags her out.

 

Gimli and Elrond are still sitting outside. For some reason, Gimli’s face has turned bright red and Elrond is giggling.

 

“What were you guys up to?” Kristina asks.

 

“N…nothing at all.”  Gimli stutters, turning even brighter red.

 

“I was welcoming Gimli into the family.” Elrond giggles. He looks at Arwen. “Honey, did you smoke my pipe?” he asks, trying not to giggle.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Merry turns around and bends over. “Man, you have one fine ass.” Meredyth flirts.

 

Merry looks up and smiles at Meredyth. “Why did you put your clothes back on?”

 

“Kristina and Arwen stopped by a little bit ago so I had no choice.” Meredyth tells him.

 

Merry struts over to her and takes off her clothes again. Merry slides his tongue down her throat. Meredyth grabs Merry’s ass. Then she grabs onto the Pipe of the Shire and strokes it lovingly. Merry moans lasciviously. They lay on the bed and he inserts himself. Then Frodo walks in and joins them.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Boromir and Strider approach the cabin. They are surprised to see Arwen and Gimli outside locked in a passionate embrace. When Arwen sees Strider, she pulls away from Gimli.

 

“Aragorn, there’s something I must tell you.” She says. “Gimli has swept me off my feet.  I’ve fallen madly in love with him. I’m sorry to break your heart.”

 

Strider shrugs. “Boromir and I were looking for Kristina. Have you seen her?”

 

“She went for a walk with Daddy. They said they wanted to be alone.”

 

“That’s a change.” Boromir notes.

 

Strider and Boromir go in search of Kristina.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Merry grunts and pumps his hot meat into Meredyth. Frodo kisses her and fondles her breasts.

 

“Yes! Yes! Come on you, Hobbit boy! Fuck me, you stud!”  Meredyth screams.

 

Gimli opens the door. “Are you guys almost done? We need to use the bed.” He giggles.

 

“Get away! Oh! OH!” Meredyth screams. “I’m cumming! Yes!”

 

Frodo chuckles. “Was that good?” He asks.

 

Meredyth smiles and announces “Switch!”

 

Meanwhile…

 

Elrond is thrusting his hard sausage into Kristina, and looking around for a branch or perhaps a small rodent to use.

 

“God, yes, Daddy! Give it to me!” Kristina moans.

 

Elrond giggles. “Does that feel good?” He asks.

 

“You are the best ever.” Kristina moans. “Yes! Oh, yes!”

 

Elrond giggles. “Who’s your daddy?” He asks.

 

Just then Strider and Boromir appear. “Jesus, are you guys fucking?” Strider asks.

 

“That’s what it looks like.” Boromir giggles and puts his hand on Strider’s shoulder.  “Let’s watch.”

 

“No, we have to get going now.” Strider says. “We don’t have much time left.”

 

Elrond looks over at Strider. “What are you talking about? We have plenty of time.  Lady Kristina and I have just started.” He contines pounding the Big Staff into Kristina.

 

“The ring! We must destroy the ring!” Strider shouts, frustrated. “Why has everyone forgotten about the ring?”

 

Kristina just moans and starts tossing her hair.

 

“You really like it when Daddy fucks you, don’t you?” Elrond asks her, giggling.

 

“The ring!” Strider screams. Boromir giggles.

 

Elrond starts thrusting even harder. “Okay, you may continue your journey as soon as I finish pleasing Lady Kristina.” He giggles. Kristina just moans louder.

 

Strider turns and starts to walk away. “Very well. I’ll go find the others.”

 

“Why don’t you stay and watch us?” Elrond asks. “Aren’t I doing a spectacular job?” He looks down at Kristina, and yanks her hair. “Am I doing a spectacular job?” He asks her.  Kristina just moans louder, then starts to scream as Elrond grinds his monstrous donkey kong inside her.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

The Shaft of the Shire is reaming Meredyth forcefully. Meredyth is screaming with pleasure and she is jerking Merry with all her might.

 

Strider and Boromir storm in holding hands. “All of you, stop fucking at once and pay attention. Aren’t we forgetting something?”

 

Frodo jumps to his feet. “THE RING!” He looks down at his chest, but it’s not there. He looks around the room.

 

Meredyth calls to him. “Is this what you’re looking for?” She asks holding the necklace with the ring on it. It’s covered in cum. Frodo’s face turns red. He goes over to the sink and washes it off. Then he puts it back on.

 

Merry and Meredyth kiss lustfully. “Hey you two sex fiends, hurry up and get dressed.”  Strider says sternly.

 

Merry, Meredyth and Frodo get dressed. Then they all leave the cabin.

 

Outside Boromir hears someone screaming close by. He looks below him. “Hey you lead foot, get off my fucking leg.” Gimli yells.

 

“Oops sorry.” Boromir apologizes trying to hold back his laughter. Arwen and Gimli dress each other. They all continue their search for Sam, Pippin and Legolas.

 

They hear loud moaning ahead. “Oh, my darling, I love your massive titties.” Pippin tells Sam. Pippin is breast fucking Sam. The fellowship looks oddly at one another.

 

The group follows the moaning and soon spots Pippin and Sam having the “breast” time of their life. Legolas is sitting on the ground braiding his hair. Legolas helps them up.

 

“On your feet, Sir.” Legolas tells him. Pippin and Sam get dressed.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Elrond has his head between Kristina’s legs. Kristina squirms. “Daddy, stop giggling. It tickles.”

 

Elrond looks up. “I’m sorry.” He giggles, then lowers his head again.

 

Kristina hears footsteps. “Someone’s coming. I hope it’s Strider again.” She giggles.

 

The fellowship walks up. “We’ve come to rescue you.” Meredyth tells Kristina.

 

“Not yet. Elrond’s only made me cum three times.”

 

“We must go.” Strider insists. “We must destroy the ring before it destroys us.”

 

Kristina rolls her eyes. “Just a few more minutes.” She begs. “Daddy, tell them to go away.”

 

Elrond looks up. “Either join us, or go away.” He tells the fellowship.

 

Meredyth throws Kristina’s robe at her. “Let’s go, now. Orcs are coming.”

 

Kristina looks interested. “How do you know? Is Frodo’s sword glowing?”

 

“It was a few minutes ago.” Meredyth giggles. Merry spanks her ass and she licks his face.

 

Kristina reluctantly puts her robe on. “I must go.” She tells Elrond sadly.

 

Elrond licks his lips. “You could join me in Rivendell instead.” He offers.

 

Kristina looks slowly at Boromir, Strider, Legolas, Frodo and Merry. “No, I think the guys might need my help.”

 

Elrond struggles to hold back his tears. “When it’s all over, will you come to Rivendell?”

 

“Of course.” Kristina pledges.

 

Elrond kisses Kristina tenderly. “Goodbye, my dear.” He strokes her cheek, then disappears.

 

Kristina starts to weep. Boromir walks up to her, and tries to comfort her. “It’s Okay.”  He puts his arms around her. Kristina clutches Boromir, presses her body against him, and starts to massage his tonsils with her tongue.

 

“Kristina, I don’t understand. How did Elrond disappear like that?” Meredyth is puzzled.

 

Kristina removes her tongue from Boromir’s throat. “Remember when we were in Rivendell, and we disappeared in front of him? He saw us do it, then he just taught himself. He’s a venerable and wise man.” She giggles. “He knows a lot.”

 

“Then how did Arwen learn to do it?” Meredyth is still puzzled.

 

“I rode here on my horse.” Arwen tells them. “It was a long, treacherous road, but I made it all by myself!”

 

Gimli looks up at her admiringly. “You’re quite an impressive woman.”

 

“Where is Aseroth?” Strider asks. “I haven’t seen him.”

 

“Horse shit?” Gimli asks.

 

“Cuddles! Where’s Cuddles!” Arwen panics and starts to scream. “Cuddles!  CUDDLES!”

 

“He probably got tired of waiting.” Legolas says.

 

“How am I going to get home?” Arwen starts to cry.

 

“You can come with us.” Gimli smiles.

 

“No!” Strider, Meredyth, and Kristina say in unison.

 

“It’s too dangerous. We don’t want to endanger you. Elrond would be heartbroken if both his daughters were killed.” Meredyth explains quickly.

 

“You’ll just have to walk back.” Strider says, smiling happily.

 

Arwen starts slowly trudging away. “Be careful!” Kristina says, giggling.

 

“Let’s go.” Strider says. The fellowship and the whores continue their adventure.

 

Chapter 14:  Lust In Lothlorien

 

They all walk until Meredyth interrupts. “God damnitt. I’m still horny. Come here, Merry, ride me like the wind.” Meredyth asserts. Merry excitedly takes her hand and they get it on behind the bushes.

 

The others sit down and wait. After a few minutes Kristina giggles and dives onto Strider.  They roll around on the ground lustfully.

 

The others just sit around patiently and smoke. After a quarter of an hour, Meredyth and Merry reappear from behind the bushes. “We can go now.” Meredyth announces.

 

Kristina looks up. “You guys go on ahead.”

 

“No, we have to go together.” Legolas says jealously.

 

Strider gets dressed, and Kristina puts her robe back on. Once again, they continue their journey.

 

After a while, Gimli starts babbling like an idiot. “Be careful my, Hobbit friends, there’s an Elfwitch that lives around here. We must take caution.”

 

Kristina’s ears prick up. “Elves?” She asks.

 

“Yeah, she will sneak up on you and tear your heart out.” Gimli rambles, making an ass of himself. “But she won’t get me. My ears are as sharp as my axe!”

 

Suddenly tall blonde elves appear all around them. “Oooh!” Kristina cries out in delight.

 

Gimli jumps. “I crapped my pants!” He announces, giggling.

 

“We could hear the Dwarf breathing from a mile away.” One of the elves says coldly.

 

Kristina cackles and gleefully grabs the nearest tall blonde elf. “Am I glad to see you!”  She says, tears of joy streaming down her face. She hugs the elf. “Huh? Boobs? What the hell?”

 

Kristina pulls away quickly. “IT’S A FUCKING CHICK!!” She screams. She brushes herself off.

 

“So?” Legolas says.

 

“Don’t let that stop you.” Strider advises. Strider and Legolas high-five. “Dude.”

 

“Okay.” Kristina says. “I’ll do her.”

 

Legolas does a little dance. “Yippee!”

 

“I’ll do her when hell freezes over and Frodo is man enough to go through puberty.” Kristina says.

 

“Hey, don’t make fun of one of my men!” Meredyth roars.

 

Legolas cringes. “Oh, no. You made her mad. You are going to regret that.” He grabs his crotch protectively.

 

Meredyth grabs Legolas’ bow and shoots an arrow at Kristina. Kristina dodges and the arrow hits Gimli in the ass. A foul stench rises from him.

 

“My ass! My ass!” Gimli starts running around in circles clutching his ass.

 

The elf who spoke before steps forward. “My name is Haldir.” He informs Kristina. “I am pleased to meet you.”

 

Kristina looks at Haldir, then turns to Meredyth. “He doesn’t look like Legolas.” She informs Meredyth sadly. She turns back to Haldir. “Take me to your leader.” She commands. “(He’s got to be hot.)” She thinks.

 

The group follows Haldir and the female elves to a magnificent tree house. They all watch as a blonde female elf walks towards. “Welcome to Lothlorien.” She says. “I am…”

 

“Where’s your husband?” Kristina interrupts her.

 

“Hey, Frodo, doesn’t she look familiar?” Meredyth asks.

 

“I am Galadriel.”

 

“I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.” Meredyth says.

 

“Oh, it’s you.” Kristina says. “I don’t have time to talk to the likes of you.” Kristina sticks her nose up in the air.

 

“Hi, Princess Laya.” Meredyth giggles.

 

Galadriel turns white. “You met Elrond? Are you okay?” She asks in concern.

 

“Yeah, and he said something about recasting your role because you did such a horrible job.” Kristina snarls.

 

Legolas giggles. “I think Kristina is jealous.” He tells Meredyth. Meredyth grins and starts to giggle.

 

“Who’s in charge here?” Kristina asks. “I said I wanted to meet your leader.”

 

“I am the leader here.” Galadriel says serenely.

 

Kristina rolls her eyes. “Puh-lease.” She says. She turns and surveys all the elves.   “Merrie, most of them are female. And the one’s who aren’t don’t look like Legolas at all. That sucks.”

 

“I know.” Meredyth says.

 

“Merrie, I think I’m going to go hang out with MY Elrond for awhile. I’ll be in Rivendell if you need me.”

 

Kristina hugs Strider, Boromir, Legolas, Merry, Pippin, and Frodo. “Goodbye. See you later.”  She winks at Meredyth. “Take care of the guys for me.”

 

“Dude.”  Meredyth says and high fives Kristina. “I love you, Man!”  Meredyth celebrates.

 

Meredyth starts dancing. “I’m gonna, I’m gonna, I’m gonna get some. . .more.” The fellowship looks at her oddly and giggle.

 

Kristina turns back to the LesbiElves. “Screw you guys, I’m going home.” She giggles and disappears.

 

They all spend the night. Strider and Boromir sleep together. Sam and Pippin sleep together. Meredyth sleeps with Merry on one side and Frodo on the other. Legolas sleeps alone.

 

Meredyth, Merry and Frodo are having trouble sleeping. Their hormones are going rampant. They do it all night long.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Kristina appears in the garden of Rivendell. She sees Elrond and Bilbo. “Hey, Daddy!”

 

Elrond runs over to her and kisses her. “Hi. How are you?” He asks.

 

Bilbo walks up with a jar. Elrond snatches it and tells him “Go away.” Bilbo runs away.

 

Elrond giggles and kisses Kristina again. “Look what we found!” He proudly holds the jar up. It is full of live crickets. “Would you like some?”

 

Kristina scrambles away. “Daddy, I just want to concentrate on you. I only want your beautiful body.” She says.

 

Elrond giggles. “That’s the idea. They will become part of my body.”

 

“Daddy, I’m not really in the mood for insects.” Kristina says.

 

Elrond nods. “I understand. I have something you want, though.”

 

“Yes, you do.” Kristina giggles.

 

“You want this.” Elrond reaches into his pocket and pulls out a huge earthworm. “Isn’t he cute? He’s very good at burrowing.” Elrond giggles.

 

Kristina is scared. “Actually, Daddy, I’m really tired. And sore.” She winks at Elrond. “I’ve been working hard.”

 

“I see.” Elrond giggles and puts the worm back in his pocket. “In that case, why don’t we just go back to my room and cuddle?”

 

“Cuddle? You mean you want a handjob?”  Kristina is confused.

 

“No, I just want to hold you.” Elrond tells her.

 

“Oh.”  Kristina is still confused. “Why?”

 

Elrond just giggles and leads her to his room. They spend the night cuddling and kissing, much to Kristina’s bewilderment.

 

The next morning at Lothlorien. . .

 

Everyone leaves and walks down to three boats. Sam, Pippin, and Gimli hop into the first boat. Frodo, Boromir and Strider take the second boat. Merry, Meredyth, and Legolas take the last one. They all sail down the beautiful river. There are two annoying stones dudes glaring at them. Strider notices a familiar figure on the first stone dude.

 

“Oh, my it’s Kristina.” Strider announces. “Let’s wave.” They all wave at her. Kristina waves back.

 

Kristina looks down at the stone dude she is standing on. “You’re pretty hot.” She tells it.  She giggles, reaches down, and touches it.

 

Meredyth leans against Merry’s chest and kisses his chest. Kristina suddenly appears in Strider’s lap. “Whoa.” He says surprised.

 

“Hello, wanna fuck?” Kristina bats her lashes at Strider.

 

“After I’m done rowing.” He tells her.

 

Kristina turns and winks at Boromir. “Sure I’m not occupied at the moment.” Boromir rips off his pants and throws them in the river. He leaps onto Kristina cock first.

 

Suddenly someone jumps up out behind their boat. “By crocky, did you drop these, Mate?” Croc Man says holding up Boromir’s pants. Boromir looks puzzled. He snatches them and throws them to Frodo.

 

“Here hold these.” Boromir tells Frodo.

 

“Ahh. Oh my, did you see that?” Croc Man holds up an alligator. “This here gator just ripped off me nut sac. Isn’t she gorgeous? Get a look at those snappers will ya, Mate?”

 

The fellowship just ignores the weird Australian. Croc Man swims off with the gator clenched to him.

 

Boromir and Kristina go at it. Frodo’s trying to keep out of their way. Merry looks at Meredyth. “Hey, sweetie, that looks like fun.” Merry flirts. “Are you up for a quickie before we make it to shore?”

 

“Sure, Merry, let’s do it.” Merry leaps onto Meredyth and they fuck.

 

Finally they get to shore. Frodo walks around a grey brick building grasping his ring.  Just then Boromir walks up with Kristina still in his arms.

 

“Here, Frodo, let me have the ring.” Boromir demands. Frodo moves away from him.

 

“No. I don’t trust you.” Frodo tells him.

 

Boromir moves forward trying to get the ring. Just then Boromir pushes Frodo to the ground and they begin rolling around all over the place. “Give it to me. Give it to me.”

 

Kristina gets jealous. “Hey, I wanna join in.”

 

Boromir and Frodo look at each other. “Dude.” They high five each other. They both take Kristina to the ground.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Merry and Pippin make up. “I can’t be any more than a cousin to you, Merry. I am in love with Sam.” Pippin tells him.

 

“I understand, I am in love with Meredyth.” Merry says. Meredyth smiles at him and they kiss passionately.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Gimli is searching for his heavenly shit. Then he bumps into Sam. “Hey, what are you looking for, Gimli?” Sam asks him.

 

“Orc shit.” Gimli answers.

 

“Oh.” Sam says nervously and runs away.

 

Just then Gimli looks straight ahead. “Yippee!! It’s my shit.” He slides over and takes a big whiff. “Ahh. It’s horse shit my favorite.” He hears foot steps and tries to guard his stash. “I must protect you, my dear. No one will take my shit without a fight.”

 

Then the person is standing right in front of him. “Did you miss me?” Arwen says gazing into his eyes.

 

“Arwen? I’m sorry this pile is not for sale.” He says protectively.

 

Arwen giggles. “I don’t care about your shit.  I want you. Kdkjfjf uekfkf lkjkjjk hlkjjkjkdffj (May the force be with you my dear, Dwarf).

 

They lay down in the shit together and fuck.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Kristina has the Shaft of the Shire in her and is blowing the Horn of Gondor. Frodo pulls out and cums all over her naked chest. Boromir thrusts forcefully. He pulls out and shoots cum into the air. Kristina and Boromir put their clothes back on and search for the others. Frodo continues strolling around nude.

 

Then Meredyth shows up. Frodo sees her and becomes extremely hard. Merry is following her and Legolas is behind him. The guys all take turns screwing Meredyth.  Strider struggles up the hill. He notices everyone and excitedly joins in. Sam and Pippin are following him. They both run up to the group.

 

“Sam, what did I say earlier?” Meredyth asks him.

 

Sam frowns and hangs his head. “I know, there are not fat asses in your fantasies.” He walks away disappointed. Pippin stays and takes his place in Meredyth’s hand.

 

Frodo is licking Meredyth’s Labyrinth of the Shire. Legolas is fucking her. Strider is kissing her. Merry is being jerked by Meredyth.

 

“Switch.” They all say in unison. Legolas and Merry switch. Strider and Frodo switch.

 

Pippin looks for a new spot. “Hey, what about me?”

 

“Who died and made you Legolas?” Meredyth asks him.

 

Pippin frowns and just stands there with his arms crossed while Meredyth jerks him.  Then he excitedly hops behind Sam and inserts himself.

 

After awhile they all collapse and cum. They all get dressed.

 

Legolas looks up. “Oh no.”

 

Frodo looks down. “My sword is glowing.”

 

They all say in unison. “Orcs.” Everyone pulls out their weapons. They all run to start the attack. Frodo decides to go on his own. Gimli runs over with ax in hand. Merry and Pippin take cover in a ditch. Meredyth disappears. Strider goes off into battle.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Boromir and Kristina run into hundreds of Orcs. He blows his horn. Kristina disappears.

 

Strider follows Gimli with Legolas close behind.

 

Pippin and Merry try to get Frodo to hide with them, but he refuses.

 

Pippin looks at Merry confused. “What’s he doing?”

 

“He leavin’.” Merry tells him in disbelief.

 

They run out in the middle of all the action so Frodo can get away safely. Frodo runs as fast as he can down the hill. Merry and Pippin try to distract the ugly Orcs. The Orcs chase Merry and Pippin. “It’s working.” Pippin says.

 

“I know it’s working. Run.” Merry says pushing him.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

Boromir is stabbing and slicing bunches of Orcs. Then Julius arrives with his bow prepared. Merry and Pippin run close by Boromir. Meredyth reappears and starts groping Merry. Merry smiles and kisses her passionately.

 

Julius aims and hits Boromir in the chest. Boromir stumbles, but it doesn’t stop him.  Meredyth gropes Merry harder.  Julius aims again and hits Boromir in the side. He begins stumbling some more, but it still doesn’t stop him. Meredyth gropes Merry even harder now. Boromir continues to fight.

 

Then Julius aims again and hits Boromir in the stomach. Boromir then falls to his knees.  Merry cums.

 

Merry and Pippin draw their swords. Meredyth runs behind a tree. Merry and Pippin run in front of the Orcs. Orcs grab them both and run off. Meredyth starts to cry when she sees the Orcs take Merry away. She then disappears.

 

Julius stands in front of Boromir and prepares to hit him again. Boromir looks up with horror. Strider knocks Julius over just in time. He puts his sword onto Julius, but it barely leaves a scratch. Julius pulls it deeper inside him and giggles at Strider. Strider pulls his sword out and whacks his head off. Julius is now dead.

 

Stride sits down beside Boromir. “Are you okay.” He asks.

 

“I pissed my pants.” Boromir sobs.

 

“Well, it happens to everybody.” Strider tells him. “At least you didn’t perform a Gimli.”

 

Kristina appears. “Boromir!” She drops to the ground beside him. “Oh, no. No. No.”  She cradles his head in her lap.

 

Boromir looks at Kristina lovingly. Don’t cry, my darling.”  He tells her.

 

“Boromir! Nooo!” Kristina screams. She starts to cry uncontrollably.

 

“My love, I will see you again. I swear it.” Boromir starts to cough and spit up blood.  Kristina just cries harder.

 

“He’s a goner.” Gimli notes.

 

“What will I do without you? How will I go on? I can’t live without you!” Kristina weeps.

 

“We’ll have to tell Faramir.” Legolas tells Strider, giggling.

 

“Who’s Faramir?” Gimli asks.

 

“That’s Boromir’s brother.” Legolas explains.

 

“Boromir has a brother!?!” Kristina yells. Boromir’s head hits the ground with a loud thump as Kristina jumps up and dashes over to Legolas. “Tell me more!”

 

Boromir moans and holds his head. Strider lays down on top of him. Gimli hangs his head sadly. Kristina is dancing around Legolas excitedly. “Tell me! Where is he?” She asks eagerly, but Legolas is distracted by Strider and Boromir.

 

Boromir groans in pain. “I would have been proud to call you my brother… my captain… my king… my lover…” He tells Strider. He puts a hand on the back of Strider’s head and caresses him lovingly.

 

Strider wipes away a tear and cups Boromir’s face in his hands. “I know.” He whispers, gazing into Boromir’s eyes. Boromir reaches down. Strider misunderstands, and hands Boromir his sword. Boromir gasps in pain, struggling to breathe.

 

“Come on, tell me about his brother!” Kristina tugs on Legolas’ arm, but he ignores her.  He watches furiously as Strider caresses Boromir’s hair and strokes his face. “Hmph.”  He says, pouting.

 

Boromir gasps a little more, then stiffens and starts to turn cold. Strider starts to cry, then stretches his body across Boromir’s. He is about to lower his lips to Boromir’s, but freezes when he hears Legolas clear his throat angrily. Strider brushes his lips across Boromir’s forehead instead.

 

Meanwhile…

 

Frodo looks out towards the boats in the river and holds onto his ring. He then pushes a boat out to sea and hops in.  He hears Sam’s chunky ass running to him. “Mr. Frodo.  Frodo!” Sam yells.

 

“No, Sam.” Frodo says to himself.

 

Sam’s lard dashes out to sea. “Frodo.” Frodo doesn’t look back. Sam carries his weight deeper into the water.

 

“Sam, I must go alone.” Frodo yells to him.

 

“I know and I’m coming with you.” Sam tells him.

 

“Sam, you can’t swim.” Frodo reminds him.

 

Sam tries doggie paddling to Frodo, but his huge cheeks sink like a ton of bricks.

 

“Sam!” Frodo cries down to him. Sam tries to pull up his monstrous self , but it doesn’t work.  Frodo sticks his arm in the water and saves him.

 

“Why, Sam?” Frodo asks.

 

“I made a promise to Gandalf.. .a promise. Now don’t you leave him Samwise Gamgee  and I don’t mean to. I don’t mean to.”

 

“Oh, Sam.” Frodo sobs. They both start to cry and hug.

 

A short time later…

 

Kristina is crying again. She watches tearfully as Strider and Gimli place Boromir’s stiff body into one of the boats. Legolas is standing to one side watching. He rolls his eyes as Strider leans over the boat and gently kisses Boromir’s cheek.

 

“My dear, sweet Boromir. I’ll miss you so much.” Kristina sobs brokenheartedly. She takes Boromir’s cold hand into her own and kisses it. She notices how big his fingers are, and starts to cry louder. Legolas just rolls his eyes and flips his hair.

 

Gimli comes up to where Kristina is crying over Boromir. “You were a good guy.” Gimli says to Boromir’s body. “I’m going to miss you.”

 

As Gimli leans over Boromir, Kristina raises her head. “Forgive me, Boromir.” She says, then kicks Gimli as hard as she can. The Dwarf yelps and tumbles into the boat. The force of his weight causes the boat to pull away from the bank and glide down the river. “Help!” He screams.

 

Kristina and Legolas giggle as the boat disappears over the waterfall. “Dude.” They high-five. Strider tries hard not to smile.

 

Legolas starts to climb into the other boat. “Let’s go after Frodo and Sam.”

 

“No, Frodo has to go alone.” Strider says.

 

“Aww.” Kristina and Legolas say in unison.

 

Strider starts to pack. “We must go. Only take what you must. Leave the rest behind. We travel light.”

 

“Where are we going?” Legolas asks.

 

“We have to save Merry and Pippin. As long as we have a chance to save them, we mustn’t give up.” Strider says.

 

“Why?” Kristina asks.

 

“Let’s not.” Legolas suggests.

 

“You’re right.” Strider puts one arm around Legolas, and one arm around Kristina. “Let’s go fuck some more!” He giggles.

 

Strider turns and runs into the forest. Kristina leaps after him.

 

“Hey, wait for me!” Legolas yells, running after them. Kristina giggles.

 

Meanwhile. . .

 

“I hope they found a safer route.” Frodo says to Sam. “I don’t suppose we’ll ever see them again?”

 

“We may someday, Mr. Frodo. We may.” Sam says lovingly to him.

 

They gaze into each others eyes. Meredyth appears. Frodo and Sam kiss passionately. Meredyth disappears.

 

To be continued. . .

 

 

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11 Comments

Add yours →

  1. Rotten Tomatoes July 24, 2016 — 12:51

    Fuck, that was terrible.

  2. Rotten Tomatoes July 24, 2016 — 13:22

    I just didn’t like it. It wasn’t good. Can’t handle the criticism? Don’t make everything public. You do enough to make yourself look batshit crazy. You don’t need any help with that. If anyone who disagrees with you is a Twitter Bitch, does that make you Head Twitter Cunt since you’re always so hateful and nasty to everyone?

  3. Lynnette Griggs August 3, 2016 — 23:20

    MEREDYTH is NOT “batshit crazy”. BTW, “Rotten Tomato”, I guess you didn’t have very good parents because even most idiots that I have met know that if you can’t say anything nice to keep your mouth shut!!

  4. julianneshepard September 6, 2017 — 08:26

    It’s like cheap porn. Sorry.

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